Why You Self-Sabotage and How to Stop for Good
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You’ve set a goal, planned everything out, and started making progress. But somehow, right when things seem to be going well, something happens: you procrastinate, make impulsive decisions, or find yourself giving up altogether. Frustrating, right? This is the maddening cycle of self-sabotage—and it can feel like you're stuck on repeat.
Here’s what’s really important to understand: self-sabotage isn’t what it seems. It’s not your inner critic or subconscious out to ruin your happiness or success. The truth is, self-sabotage is often a sign that you’re out of alignment with your authentic self. It’s your subconscious mind's way of trying to meet certain needs or protect you, even though the approach might be counterproductive.
When you’re living out of alignment with your values, desires, or truth, your mind and body naturally resist progress. The key to breaking the cycle of self-sabotage is to align your life with who you truly are. Once you’re living in harmony with your values and purpose, the need to “sabotage” yourself fades, and you can move forward with greater ease.
So, why do we self-sabotage, and more importantly, how do we stop? Let’s dive into why self-sabotage happens when you’re not living in alignment, and how you can break free to live a life that reflects your true self.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
At first glance, self-sabotage looks like an intentional act of harm, as though part of you is working against your best interests. But the reality is far more nuanced. Self-sabotage isn’t about ruining your chances of success—it’s a subconscious defense mechanism trying to keep you safe by keeping things the same.
When you live out of alignment with your core values, beliefs, or desires, your subconscious mind kicks in to prevent any change that might disrupt the familiar, even if the familiar isn’t what you want. Self-sabotage is often rooted in conflicting needs: consciously, you want to grow, take risks, and succeed. Subconsciously, you crave safety, comfort, and protection from emotional discomfort.
Think of it as your mind trying to hold on to the status quo because that’s what feels safe, even if it’s no longer serving you. The key? Authentic alignment. When you align your actions, beliefs, and goals with your true self, your subconscious no longer feels the need to protect you through sabotage.
"Self-sabotage is when you have two conflicting desires. One is to move forward, the other is to stay safe and comfortable." — Brianna Wiest
Why We Self-Sabotage: Misalignment Between Our True and False Selves
Self-sabotage often happens when we’re out of alignment with who we truly are. But what does that mean? Living out of alignment means that your actions, choices, and even your environment don’t reflect your core values, desires, or purpose. When you ignore your authentic self, your mind creates tension between what you’re doing and what you deeply want or need.
1. Fear of Authentic Success
One of the most common reasons for self-sabotage is a fear of what it means to truly succeed and live authentically. While consciously, you may crave success, subconsciously, you may fear what that success means. Will others still accept you if you fully embrace who you are? Will you lose the comfort and predictability of your current life if you step into your full potential?
This fear creates an internal conflict between your conscious desires and your subconscious need to stay “safe.” In other words, you sabotage yourself to avoid the discomfort that comes with stepping into your true, authentic self.
Example:
Imagine you’ve been wanting to start a new business that aligns with your passion for wellness. You make a plan, but just as you’re about to take the leap, you start doubting yourself, putting off tasks, and even talking yourself out of it. Why? Deep down, you might fear the responsibility or changes that come with pursuing your passion. Your subconscious sees success as a threat to your current way of life.
2. Comfort Zone vs. Authentic Growth
The comfort zone is familiar, predictable, and, well… comfortable. It’s where you stay when you want to avoid discomfort or uncertainty. But growth, change, and living in alignment with your true self require you to step out of that comfort zone. Self-sabotage happens when your subconscious clings to the comfort zone, even though your conscious mind wants growth and change.
Living out of alignment keeps you tethered to old patterns because stepping into your authenticity is unknown and sometimes scary. It’s easier to sabotage yourself than face the potential discomfort of living differently.
Example:
You’ve been wanting to set boundaries in a relationship that feels unbalanced, but every time you’re about to have the conversation, you back off. This isn’t because you don’t want to fix the relationship; it’s because setting boundaries forces you out of the comfort zone of avoiding conflict. Your subconscious would rather keep things familiar, even if it means continuing a pattern of dissatisfaction.
3. Internal Conflict Between True Desires and External Expectations
When you’re living a life based on external expectations—whether from society, family, or friends—you’re not living in alignment with your authentic self. This creates a disconnect between your true desires and what you feel you “should” be doing. Self-sabotage is often a response to this disconnect. Your subconscious might rebel against these external pressures by derailing your conscious goals, which aren’t aligned with who you really are.
Example:
You’ve been pursuing a career that your family approves of, but deep down, it doesn’t align with your passions. As a result, you keep missing deadlines, underperforming, or making decisions that negatively affect your career. Your subconscious is sending you a clear message: “This path isn’t yours.” It’s self-sabotage, but it’s also your inner self crying out for alignment.
How to Break the Pattern of Self-Sabotage: Aligning with Your Authentic Self
Breaking free from self-sabotage starts with connecting with yourself and living in authentic alignment—where your actions, decisions, and goals reflect your true self. When you’re aligned with who you are, self-sabotage no longer serves a purpose. Here’s how to get there:
1. Identify Your Core Values and Desires
The first step to living in alignment is identifying your core values and true desires. What do you genuinely care about? What drives you? What do you need to feel fulfilled? These are the questions that help you discover what it means to live authentically.
How to Do It:
Start by journaling about what matters most to you. Think about times in your life when you felt the most alive, fulfilled, and at peace. What were you doing? Who were you with? What values were you honoring? This exercise helps you uncover your core values and clarify what it means to live in alignment.
"We ourselves are the biggest obstacles to our own success."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
2. Challenge Limiting Beliefs
Self-sabotage is often driven by limiting beliefs—those subconscious thoughts that tell you you’re not good enough, deserving, or capable of achieving what you truly want. These beliefs create a ceiling, or “upper limit,” on how much success, happiness, or love you feel you can experience. Gay Hendricks calls this the “upper limit problem,” where you sabotage yourself once you hit the ceiling of your perceived worthiness.
How to Do It:
Start paying attention to moments when you start to pull back or sabotage your own efforts. Ask yourself, “What belief is driving this behavior?” Once you’ve identified the limiting belief, challenge it. Is it really true? More often than not, these beliefs are outdated stories we’ve internalized from past experiences or external expectations. Replace those beliefs with new, empowering ones: “I am worthy of success, love, and happiness.”
3. Step Out of Your Comfort Zone (Even When It’s Hard)
Growth happens outside your comfort zone, and authentic alignment requires you to take risks, make changes, and get comfortable with discomfort. Self-sabotage keeps you in the comfort zone, but the only way to stop sabotaging yourself is to push past those limits.
How to Do It:
Set small, manageable goals that push you out of your comfort zone one step at a time. If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, start with a small one in a low-stakes situation. If pursuing your passion feels daunting, dedicate a few hours a week to it. Each step outside the comfort zone builds confidence and reduces the urge to sabotage.
4. Embrace Discomfort as Part of Alignment
Living in alignment isn’t always easy. It requires honesty with yourself, discomfort, and the willingness to make difficult choices. But here’s the truth: discomfort is a sign that you’re growing. Instead of seeing discomfort as a reason to retreat, view it as evidence that you’re stepping into your true self.
How to Do It:
When you feel discomfort creeping in, pause and ask yourself, “Is this discomfort a sign of growth?” If the answer is yes, acknowledge it and keep going. The more you embrace discomfort, the less likely you’ll be to sabotage yourself when things get hard.
5. Honor Your True Desires
To stop self-sabotage, you need to start honoring what you truly want. This means taking actions that align with your authentic self, even if they go against societal expectations or involve risk. Authentic alignment happens when you stop making decisions based on what others think or expect and start living for yourself.
"The real path to success is not through fighting your limitations, but in expanding your capacity for abundance and love." — Gay Hendricks
How to Do It:
When you’re faced with a decision, ask yourself: “Does this align with my core values? Is this what I truly want, or is this what I think I should want?” By making decisions that honor your true needs and desires, you reduce the internal conflict that fuels self-sabotage.
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Final Thoughts: Align with Your True Self to Stop Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage isn’t about ruining your chances at success or happiness. It’s about your subconscious trying to keep you safe in a world of uncertainty, often because you’re not living in alignment with who you truly are. When your actions reflect your authentic self, the need to sabotage fades away.
Breaking the cycle of self-sabotage requires raising your upper limit, challenging limiting beliefs, and stepping out of your comfort zone. But most importantly, it requires living a life that’s aligned with your values, desires, and truth. The more you align with your authentic self, the less you’ll find yourself standing in your own way—and the more you’ll create the outcomes you actually desire.
Are you ready to stop self-sabotage and align with your true self? Let’s get started! Embrace the discomfort, push past those limits, and step into the life that’s truly yours.
XO,
Dara
Dara Poznar is a writer and President of Mud Coaching, specializing in Alignment Strategy. She empowers individuals worldwide to align their lives and relationships with their authentic selves. Through her guidance, clients discover how to harmonize their actions, values, and desires to create fulfilling and authentic lives. Learn more about Dara’s personal journey here.
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