78 Best Relationship Quotes By 5 World-Renowned Experts (2022)
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“We live in the shelter of each other.” — Celtic saying”
Relationships are hard. Knowing how to effectively and happily exist in one is hard. And for this reason, I thank God for the experts in the world who conduct research and study couples and then make important connections and draw valuable conclusions to help us all out with this beautiful, confusing, and sometimes infuriating (what? Is it just me?!) thing called love.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, who I quote extensively in the spaces below, says, “there’s nothing more difficult in the world than another person.” He can say that again! And yes, he points out how that includes you, dear reader. You’re difficult, I’m difficult, and the one who’s got you googling for relationship quotes that might help and encourage you is for sure difficult.
But, as Life Coach Marie Forleo says, “everything is figureoutable”, and that includes how to do relationships well, despite human nature. There are a bunch of smart people who have figured out a whole lot, and I have to say that when I study their work I usually notice something quite striking— it’s so often the exact opposite of what is commonly thought to be true, and what is promoted in many social media posts, and certainly what Hollywood says love is all about.
So without further ado, I will let the top experts in the field do the talking. These, by the way, are my chosen few whose expertise I trust above all others, and whose books and TED talks and interviews have changed me, the way I love, and my once very troubled and hurting relationship in spectacular ways. Ok, so here they are. Allow me to introduce you to my top 5 favorites:
Dr. John Gottman, along with his wife Dr. Julie Gottman, is responsible for ideas like the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling) and many other widely appreciated ideas. He and Julie conduct what they call the “Love Lab” where they observe couples interacting for days at a time. They monitor heart rates, listen to speech, watch their body language, and critique their communication styles and patterns, among other things. They’ve done this for decades and are now able to predict, with over 92% accuracy, whether a couple will stay together.
Dr. Sue Johnson introduced us to the demon dialogues which are 3 destructive communication patterns that couples get trapped in and she is the founder of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) for couples.
Dr. Stan Tatkin created the psychobiological approach to couples therapy called PACT which is a blend of attachment theory, neuroscience, and arousal regulation.
Gary Thomas, Christian Minister and Author, brilliantly enlightens readers about the differences between difficult and toxic people in his book When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom From Toxic People.
Dr. Esther Perel is a world-renowned expert in what promotes and sustains desire in long-term relationships. Her most recent best-seller, State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, answers every question one can have regarding affairs from ‘why do affairs happen’ to ‘can an affair ever help a marriage’?
Best Relationship Quotes by the Top Experts
John Gottman Quotes
“Thus, the critical dimension in understanding whether a marriage will work or not, becomes the extent to which the male can accept the influence of the woman he loves and become socialized in emotional communication.”
“Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”
“Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”
“The point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. If you can accommodate each other’s “crazy” side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.”
“Trust is built in very small moments, which I call 'sliding door' moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner. One such moment is not important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship- very gradually, very slowly.”
“Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”
“When conflict begins with hostility, defensive sequences result.”
“You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other. It’s exciting.”
“The early part of a relationship, besides the fun and infatuation, is about establishing trust and a shared future.”
“Make dedicated, non-negotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. Don’t assume you know who they are today, just because you went to bed with them the night before. In short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.”
“The most common research finding across labs is that the first negative attribution people start making when the relationship becomes less happy is “my partner is selfish,” a direct reflection of a decrease in the trust metric. They then start to see their partner’s momentary emotional distance and irritability as a sign of a lasting negative trait. On the other hand, in happier relationships people make lasting positive trait attributions, like “my partner is sweet,” and tend to write off their partner’s momentary emotional distance and irritability as a temporary attribution, like “my partner is stressed.”
“Working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.”
“I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.”
“Most couples don’t get any training in relationships, and often they don’t learn how to communicate with each other until they go to therapy, and that’s often too late.”
“Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. We practice how to express our love and how to receive our partner’s love. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.”
“Our partners don’t always have to think like we think. That’s what makes life interesting—it would be boring to be married to yourself. In fact, that’s called being single.”
“What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren't smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.”
“Happily-ever-after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming. The goal is to be able to love your partner more deeply each and every year you’re together.”
“Differences attract us at first, and yet we can find ourselves in relationship trouble when we try to change these differences later. Learning to understand and accept the ways in which you’re different is key to creating lasting connection and enduring love.”
“Yes, it’s serious and important work, but we also want you to have fun. Find the moments of humor. Find the joy, even when it feels difficult. Don’t forget why you fell in love with each other, and most important, don’t forget to laugh.”
Sue Johnson Quotes
“Being the “best you can be” is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”
“Love has an immense ability to help heal the devastating wounds that life sometimes deals us. Love also enhances our sense of connection to the larger world. Loving responsiveness is the foundation of a truly compassionate, civilized society.”
“The most functional way to regulate difficult emotions in love relationships is to share them.”
“For all of us, the person we love most in the world, the one who can send us soaring joyfully into space, is also the person who can send us crashing back to earth. All it takes is a slight turning away of the head or a flip, careless remark. There is no closeness without this sensitivity. If our connection with our mate is safe and strong, we can deal with these moments of sensitivity. Indeed, we can use them to bring our partner even closer. But when we don’t feel safe and connected, these moments are like a spark in a tinder forest. They set fire to the whole relationship.”
“When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness...”
“Emotional dependency is not immature or pathological; it is our greatest strength.”
“Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me? The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.”
“To be human is to need others, and this is no flaw or weakness.”
“Better relationships between love partners are not just a personal preference, they are a social good. Better love relationships mean better families. And better, more loving families mean better, more responsive communities.”
“No one can dance with a partner and not touch each other’s raw spots. We must know what these raw spots are and be able to speak about them in a way that pulls our partner closer to us.”
“Learning to love and be loved is, in effect, about learning to tune in to our emotions so that we know what we need from a partner and expressing those desires openly, in a way that evokes sympathy and support from him or her.”
“The key to restoring connection is, first, interrupting and dismantling these destructive sequences and then actively constructing a more emotionally open and receptive way of interacting, one in which partners feel safe confiding their hidden fears and longings.”
“The quality of positive support—reassurance that a partner is loved and esteemed and is capable of taking control of his or her life—is the most crucial factor in the health of any relationship.”
Stan Tatkin Quotes
“Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure.”
“The point is that couples should feel secure in knowing they can reach out to their partner at any time, anywhere, and their partner will be receptive.”
“It’s one thing to fight well, and something else altogether to love well.”
“When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, “I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care.”
“Couples in distress too often turn to solutions that can be summed up by "You do your thing and I'll do my thing" or "You take care of yourself and I'll take care of myself." We hear pop psychology pronouncements such as "I'm not ready to be in a relationship" and "You have to love yourself before anyone can love you." Is any of this true? Is it really possible to love yourself before someone ever loves you? Think about it. How could this be true? If it were true, babies would come into this world already self-loving or self-hating. And we know they don't. In fact, human beings don't start by thinking anything about themselves, good or bad. We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us.”
“Devote yourself to your partner's sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you.”
“In the context of couples, research in this area suggests how we as partners can manage one another’s highs and lows. We don’t have to remain at the mercy of each other’s runaway moods and feelings. Rather, as competent managers of our partners, we can become experts at moving, shifting, motivating, influencing, soothing, and inspiring one another.”
“This longing for a safe zone is one reason we pair up. However, partners—whether in a romantic relationship or committed friendship—often fail to use each other as advocates and allies against all hostile forces. They don’t see the opportunities to make a home for one another; to create a safe place in which to relax and feel accepted, wanted, protected, and cared for.”
“We want to know our efforts are noticed and appreciated. We want to know our relationship is regarded as important by our partner and will not be relegated to second or third place because of a competing person, task, or thing.”
“The couple bubble is an agreement to put the relationship before anything and everything else. It means putting your partner’s well-being, self-esteem and distress relief first. And it means your partner does the same for you. You both agree to do it for each other. Therefore, you say to each other, “We come first.” In this way, you cement your relationship. It is like making a pact or taking a vow, or like reinforcing a vow you already took with one another.”
“Your personal growth depends on your relationship remaining safe and secure at all times, because if either of you feel the least bit unsafe, untrusting, or insecure, you won’t have the internal resources for personal growth. Instead, your mind and body will be preoccupied by doubt and threat.”
“Co-dependence focuses all time, energy, and resources around one partner. It is a one-directional relationship with no reciprocity. Interdependence is a mutually beneficial system in which partners are equals who agree to support and protect each other. It allows both partners to thrive and lean on each other as needed.”
Gary Thomas Quotes
“Understanding the truth is the doorway to new life. And understanding the truth often requires the use of labels. Honoring someone, whether that person is a boss, parent, or spouse, doesn’t mean we have to pretend they’re something they’re not. Honoring and honesty can exist side by side.”
“Humility calls us to realize that what is toxic for us may not be toxic for others. If you have a toxic experience with someone that leaves you frustrated and discouraged, rethinking conversations late at night, finding your blood pressure rising, and (especially this!) seeing it keep you from being present with loved ones long after the toxic interaction is over, then for you that relationship isn’t healthy. But I’m reluctant to too hastily apply the label “toxic” in an absolutist sense.”
“There are certain people who drain us, demean us, and distract us from other healthy relationships. Long after they’re gone, we’re still fighting with them in our minds and trying to get them out of our hearts. They keep us awake. They steal our joy. They demolish our peace. They make us (if we’re honest with ourselves) weaker spiritually. They even invade times of worship and pervert them into seasons of fretting.”
“Sometimes to follow in the footsteps of Jesus is to walk away from others or to let them walk away from us.”
“For now let me just state that when interacting with a toxic person I have two aims: I want to do the right thing—keep seeking first God’s kingdom—and be the right person—nontoxic in return and acting out of love (whether that leads to confrontation or walking away depends on the situation). I can’t control a toxic person. I can’t change a toxic person. I can’t understand a toxic person. But I can guard my mission and maintain my character. Those are the only two things you can control when you live or work around toxic people.”
“Individual acts don’t make a person toxic; toxic describes someone who feels comfortable in those acts and energized by those acts and who makes those acts the common approach to their relationships.”
“As it pertains to you and me, let’s admit we can’t reach everyone, so let’s invest our time in the reliable people we can reach. Find out who is toxic to you, consider walking away, and entrust them to God.”
“Some use the label toxic much too broadly as an excuse to avoid difficult, different, or hurting people.”
“It’s not selfish for you to want to be who God created you to be, and it’s not selfish for you to do what God created you to do.”
“Learn how to grieve fractured relationships, and then learn how to let them go. Don’t let disappointment morph into self-doubt and self-flagellation. Just because you wish something wasn’t a certain way doesn’t mean it’s your fault that it’s not.”
Esther Perel Quotes
“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”
“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.”
“The more we trust, the farther we are able to venture.”
“The ‘symptom’ theory goes as follows: An affair simply alerts us to a preexisting condition, either a troubled relationship or a troubled person.”
“It takes two people to create a pattern, but only one to change it.”
“Eroticism in the home requires active engagement and willful intent. It is an ongoing resistance to the message that marriage is serious, more work than play; and that passion is for teenagers and the immature.”
“Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings: safety and excitement, grounding and transcendence, the comfort of love and the heat of passion. We want it all, and we want it with one person.”
“If you’re too busy for sex, you’re too busy.”
“The swiping culture lures us with infinite possibilities, but it also exerts a subtle tyranny. The constant awareness of ready alternatives invites unfavorable comparisons, weakens commitment, and prevents us from enjoying the present moment.”
“If you trade passion for stability, you basically trade one fiction for another. Both are products of our imagination.”
“Erotic intelligence is about creating distance, then bringing that space to life.”
“When two become one—connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.”
“A couple’s emotional life together and their physical life together each have their ebbs and flows, their ups and downs, but these don’t always correspond. They intersect, they influence each other, but they’re also distinct.”
“It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.”
“When we channel all our intimate needs into one person, we actually stand to make the relationship more vulnerable.”
“A person who tries to be the perfect partner feels as though they must have it all together, as if that just comes naturally. But in reality, you are allowed to make mistakes, search for yourself, and not have all the answers about who you really are.”
“In fact, dependence is an essential ingredient of connection. But it’s a producer of terrific anxiety, because it implies that the one we love wields power over us. This is the power to love us, but also to abandon us.”
“Love is a verb. Not a permanent state of enthusiasm.”
“The idea of finding the one is problematic for relationships.”
“When our ability to consider + understand the feelings of others decreases, our relationships suffer.”
“In the aftermath of an affair, I often tell a couple: Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?”
“Breaking routine and stepping out of what feels comfortable connects you to curiosity and discovery. So, ask yourselves, what is something new you can do together?”
“Issues and conflict will arise in every relationship. But in healthy relationships, the deeper issue is recognized, and we work to chip away at it, moving from rupture to repair.”
“There is no greater source of joy and meaning in our lives than our relationships with others.”
And there you have them! If you made it this far and read all of those quotes, I’m pretty sure you know more about what it takes to make a relationship thrive and last than anyone you know! Now… I’m dying to know- which were your favorite?! Comment below to let me and other readers know.
If you are feeling frustrated and discouraged in your relationship, consider working with me. I love helping people getting out of old painful patterns and find a way to be together that feels uplifting and enlivening to them both.
Go deep, own your life.
Thanks for reading!
XO,
Dara
Dara is a writer and President of Mud Coaching. She helps individuals and couples from all over world create the extraordinary relationships that they long for but don’t know how to build. Read more here about Dara’s personal journey from dysfunctional and struggling in love to happily married and thriving.
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