How to Set Boundaries and Be Emotionally Free
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Are you weighed down by bitterness, resentment or frustration? Do you feel disappointed by people? Are you easily annoyed and agitated? Is there drama, confusion, and chaos in your intimate relationships? Do you feel emotionally exhausted and drained? If you said yes to any or all of the above questions, it’s likely that you need to set some boundaries in your life and liberate yourself emotionally.
Having clear boundaries can help you feel more peace and contentment. It will help you experience a lightness of being that you quite possibly have never had before. Yep— that’s how powerful and transformative having boundaries can be! In this post, I will define what boundaries are, what emotional freedom is, and give you a pathway to setting healthy boundaries that will free up more of your life energy and give you back yourself.
It’s my belief that having strong personal boundaries is one of the most powerful and effective ways of maximizing satisfaction in life and love. Good boundaries spring forth from a deep well of self-knowledge and understanding. They ground you, prepare you, insulate, and direct you. Boundaries are your best friend. You don’t want to be anywhere without them.
What is a Boundary?
Simply put, a boundary is anything that marks a limit. In the world around us, we see boundaries everywhere. Your credit card has a dollar amount that marks the maximum amount of money that you can borrow on that card. The lines drawn on roads and in parking lots are visual markers for the limits within which you are permitted to drive and park your car. Signs that say things like ‘no trespassing’, ‘no loitering’, ‘private property’ and ‘employees only’ all exist to mark a boundary and influence behavior. Ignoring boundaries like these often results in some type of consequence because doing so can cause danger for ourselves or others, or may violate someone’s rights. Boundaries exist to protect people and property.
When it comes to personal boundaries, the purpose is the same— to preserve, protect, and influence. You preserve and protect your body, mind, heart, time, and resources by having strong and healthy boundaries with yourself and others. Communicating your boundaries through word and action influences how other people treat you, and also how you treat yourself. People who have and respect their own boundaries are also far more likely to respect other people’s boundaries and therefore find themselves in healthier and more fulfilling relationships. So the first step in boundary setting is knowing what your boundaries should be- both with yourself and other people. And that requires a bit of self-reflection and self-attunement. It all starts with paying attention to how you feel.
How Do You Know What Your Boundaries Are?
When your boundaries are being crossed or disrespected, you can feel it. Sometimes that’s how you recognize a boundary. A friend comes to visit and overstays their welcome, a roommate repeatedly asks to “borrow” some of your coffee but then doesn’t buy more, a co-worker takes credit for your idea at the staff meeting—all leaving you feeling taken advantage of. Sometimes the violations are a mere annoyance and other times they are quite serious and lead to major breakdowns in trust. Like say you and your partner move in together and you assume that you’ll split the rent and household bills in half, and then month after month they come up short expecting you to cover the difference. Or when a disagreement arises, they tend to blow up at you and become hostile and offensive, speaking to you in a way that makes you feel belittled or berated.
By observing how you feel when others make choices that impact you, you can identify what you are and are not okay with and clarify that boundary to yourself and to them.
Other times a boundary becomes clear based not on what others do, but what they do not do. You realize you have now picked up the bill the last 3 times you’ve met a new friend for lunch and she has never offered to pay even once. Your neighbor asks to bring her kids to your house for a playdate so she can run a few errands but doesn’t return the favor. You agree to spend time with your partner’s friends and family (even though they aren’t really your cup of tea) but they show no interest in getting to know anyone in your circle. And that just doesn’t feel right. In fact, it makes you mad— like really mad.
This is usually an indication that you are crossing your own boundaries by saying yes to things you don’t really want to say yes to, or you are saying yes more often than you really want to. This habit is sometimes called “people-pleasing” and it means you are giving out of fear of disappointing or alienating others rather than from a place of pure generosity.
By observing how you feel when others don’t do for you what you do for them, you can identify the true intention behind your own actions. You can become conscientious about whether you truly want to say yes to something as a gift with no strings attached, or you feel that you have to say yes for some other reason— like to be able to ask for that yourself, or to be seen a certain way, or to earn love, affection or approval.
How Boundaries Create Emotional Freedom
Knowing what your limits are, what you are and are not okay with, and what works for you— and owning all of that— prepares you for moments when you have to say “yes”, “no” or “maybe— let me think about that.” Giving an authentic answer based on self-understanding, you experience much less of those energy-zapping emotions like annoyance, frustration, anger, and resentment, and far more of the life-giving feelings like peace, joy and satisfaction. Boundaries are an effective filter for unpleasant, and sometimes downright toxic, experiences, circumstances, and dynamics.
But… easier said than done. Especially when you’ve gone years or the better part of your life without clear, communicated boundaries. Not to worry— it’s never too late to clarify and set a boundary, but it will take courage. Especially in existing relationships. Because the truth is, it could blow them up. This happened to me. I went a very long time not having good boundaries and when I finally realized how much that was hurting me and draining my life force, I decided to change it and it felt like hitting an iceberg. But ya know what? It was damn worth it. Because now, everyone around me treats me right. I treat me right. I smile more and cry less. I’m lighter. I feel free.
“Anything that costs you your peace is too expensive.”
You might think that once you start making healthier choices, like having good boundaries, then life automatically improves. But that’s just not usually the case with boundaries. People learn to depend on you being a pushover, a “giver”, or a doormat. They get used to it— and they get a lot out of it. You have to remember that the people who are truly good for you will support any and all healthy changes that you make to improve your life. Anyone who can’t or won’t respect you honoring your own limits or committing to what’s best for you was never any good for you. They slipped through the cracks of your armor— and those cracks are called poor boundaries.
One last thought, and then we’re on to how to set these boundaries. For boundaries to work their magic in your life, for them to do their job and actually keep you safe (as safe as you can be in a world full of broken people), the main person that has to respect and honor those boundaries is YOU. That’s the only way it works. Other people will be cross them from time to time. You cannot control how people behave toward you and in your presence. But you can control how you will respond. And how you respond will be determined by how seriously you take your own boundaries.
(Listen to Dara discuss emotional needs on the She Calls Her Shots podcast.)
How to Set Your Boundaries
Hopefully by now you are saying to yourself- I’m ready for this! I am gonna get me some boundaries and protect my time, my energy, my heart, and everything else I hold dear that belongs to me! Yeah!
Well you are in the right place at the right time, because I’m gonna walk you through this step by step. Here we go!
1. Acknowledge & accept that you haven’t had good boundaries— and forgive yourself
We cannot change what we do not first accept. I found this a crucial step in my own process of learning to set and keep my own boundaries. I was very angry with myself for allowing things into my experience that caused me pain when I could’ve shut it down by walking away. I needed to spend some time giving myself understanding and grace for being afraid to stand up for what I needed. It helped me move forward and even made me more determined. By being loving to myself about the past, I was able to find a deeper feeling of worthiness for a better experience now and in the future.
2. Write down what hurts you and makes you feel bad— and forgive others
Think of the ways in which you’ve been feeling devalued, taken for granted, abused, disrespected, betrayed etc. and list them out in your journal starting with the words, ‘I no longer tolerate or accept’. Be specific about the hurtful behaviors, actions, words, and choices that have been perpetuated (including the ones you’ve done to yourself) and that you realize are wrong for you, unhealthy for you, drains on you, unfair to you, or simply things you don’t want in your life. Complete the list with the words ‘from myself or others.’ My own list includes, ‘I no longer accept lying, yelling, broken promises, excuses, substance abuse, one-sided effort… from myself or others’.
“But if you forgive someone for something they did to you, it doesn’t mean you agree with what they did or believe it was right. Forgiving that person means you have chosen not to dwell on the matter anymore; you have moved on with your life.”
To the extent possible for you right now, forgive anyone who has violated your boundaries. This could be a process that takes time, and that’s okay. It does not mean you must allow anyone who has deeply hurt you to stay in your life or that you need to continue to interact with them. If they are in your life, this does not mean you are condoning or accepting their behavior. You do not even need to let them know you have forgiven them.
It just means that you are unburdening yourself from needing them to pay for what they’ve done in any way. They are “off the hook” so to speak from owing you anything. You are freeing yourself from the painful emotions of anger, bitterness and resentment that are weighing you down, keeping your heart closed, and standing between you and your peace. You are taking away the power of their choices over your emotional state. Sometimes that is the strongest boundary you can set with someone, especially a person from whom you cannot physically distance yourself (like a member of your household or family member), is to take back the power they have had over your emotional wellbeing. Having mindful expectations can really help you achieve that.
3. Write down what makes you feel safe, valued and loved— and give gratitude
Sometimes looking at the list you created in step 2 and simply writing the opposite for each behavior is a good starting point and then continue from there. However you approach it, think of the actions, words and behaviors that nourish your heart, mind and soul and list them out beginning with the words, ‘I gravitate toward’. Be as specific as possible. Think of the people who treat you well and make you feel important— how do they show up? My list includes, ‘I gravitate toward people and experiences that offer me true kindness, compassion, mutuality, fun, safety, moderation, grace, generosity…and that is what I offer.’
Take a moment to feel deep gratitude in your heart for the love, kindness and generosity of the people in your life. If you feel compelled to, express that gratitude to them— pick up the phone, write a letter, send a gift, or simply shoot them a text to let them know how you feel. Gratitude is a deeply nourishing emotion. To me forgiveness is like a deep detox that gets rid of what is poisoning you, and gratitude is the life-giving water that hydrates your thirsting soul after the great purge. It’s so refreshing and revitalizing! Remember to offer gratitude to yourself as well— for being strong enough to forgive, wise enough to recognize your own needs, and loving enough to meet them.
4. Decide what actions you will take when someone crosses your boundaries
This may be the toughest step of all. What will the consequences be if someone mistreats you? This is important because you must follow through on any consequences you present to someone and you have to be consistent if they are going to respect your boundaries. For instance, if you tell someone who is yelling at you over the phone that you’re going to have to end the call if they don’t lower their voice, then you need to say goodbye and hang-up if they do not stop yelling. If you make an agreement with someone about something, and they default, you need to follow through on whatever you said would happen if they broke their end of the agreement. Empty threats are another way people cross their own boundaries, and teach other people that their boundaries don’t need to be respected.
Go back up to step 2 and write a ‘D’ for deal-breaker next to anything on the list that you are now choosing to have zero tolerance for. Write a ‘W’ for anything that will result in a warning, giving the other person an opportunity to get it right. And finally, write an ‘R’ next to anything on the list that will simply cause you to pull back and reassess your approach to the relationship and reorient yourself toward it if necessary. This might happen in a relationship that you think is one-sided and where maybe you are giving much more than the other person is. You recognize you’ve been giving from an insecure place and so you might just choose to have better boundaries with yourself and not put so much pressure on yourself to say yes to this person all the time.
In short, know what your limits are and what you’ll do when they are reached. Then stick to it.
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XO,
Dara
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XO,
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