How To Get Your Husband Back After Separation
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You’re heartbroken— you’re not ready to call it quits. You’ve had time to think and reflect, and you just know that this time it could work out. You see your part, you’re clear on what you need to do differently and you just need one chance to show him that the two of you can fix this. It’s not too late. If only he could see that! But he’s not so sure. He’s ready to close the door on your marriage. So what can you do to get him back? What are the effective ways to help you never have to sign those divorce papers? And what are the wrong things to do that will get in your way of getting him back? In this post, I’m going to help you maximize your chances of reconciling with your husband.
The most important things to consider before attempting to get your husband back
Be honest with yourself about why you want to save your marriage— make sure it’s for the right reasons.
If you want him back because you’re afraid of being alone, worried about what other people will think, or are concerned that you won’t find anybody else, then this is not going to set you up for success with getting your husband back. He is ready to walk away— he needs something solid to believe in, because he has lost all hope.
Love, I’m sorry to say, is also not a good enough reason. Your relationship fell apart despite the fact that you have loved each other, so you’ll need something more stable as a reason. A deeper purpose for why the two of you belong together and why he should come back and live that purpose out with you. Ask yourself honestly, why do I want to stay married to him?
2. Be clear on your role in the demise of the relationship— and be willing to own it.
The first thing you need to do is to think back to the conversations and fights that you have had in your years of marriage, and reflect on the things you’ve heard him say over and over again. To get out of this situation—and stay out—you need to understand how you got here in the first place. What was he asking for, what were his frustrations about, what did he plead with you about, and how did you respond to all of that? Did you minimize his feelings, become defensive, turn it around on him, ignore it, promise to change and then not follow through? Did he feel constantly criticized or blamed? Was he left feeling inadequate or like he couldn't do anything right? Write down what you know he needs and wants and accept and validate it all to yourself first. You need to provide him with a good reason to believe that trying again will be fruitful. The only way to give him that confidence is to demonstrate that you know where things went wrong on your end. And on the flip side what you need to do differently to build a good marriage moving forward.
Take the time to reflect: Was he frustrated over a lack of communication? Did he feel deprived of physical intimacy? Did he complain that the relationship felt devoid of the small things that couples do for one another to make each other feel loved, like leaving a small gift as a surprise, putting effort into their physical appearance, or being intentional about expressing positive things they appreciate about one another? Maybe he felt abandoned when kids came along and or when your focus turned to your job or business or other interests and he complained to get his wife back until he finally gave up hope. Or it could be that he was always feeling like he couldn't quite measure up, like he wasn't good enough. Identify your biggest mistakes and what you have learned from them. That alone will take you a long way in showing how much you care about his experience.
3. Be sure that you truly love and accept your husband as he is right now, not what you believe he can become.
Your husband needs to know you love him for who he is, not for what he does or has. He needs to know that you love him for him. So do you? Can you be truly satisfied with him—is he enough for you…..really?
The moment he senses that you want him to change, or that you want him for what he has to offer materially or physically, he will not be open to you. He needs to know you respect the man that he is and that you admire him and like him. Love the reality, not the potential.
4. Get your emotions under control.
I know you are hurting and you’re scared. You could lose the man you love so much and still want to spend the rest of your life with. Chances are though, his heart is closed right now and he isn’t going to have sympathy or tolerance for tears or any kind of hysterics. You can wail in the bathtub at night over a glass of wine. If and when you communicate with him, be sure you can keep it together. It’s okay to show emotion, but controlled emotion. Be vulnerable, but express yourself softly.
It’s helpful that when he engages with you, he doesn’t end up feeling threatened by you. If he feels overwhelmed with negative emotions, it will only reinforce what he already might believe— that he isn’t safe with you. Therefore, if you want him to begin questioning whether breaking up is the right decision, he needs to feel safe and at ease in your presence. While you can’t fully control how he experiences you, you can influence it by keeping calm. Achieve this by keeping your own negative feelings in check.
5. If he’s willing to talk— listen!!
If you’re fortunate enough to have interactions with him, allow him to express himself fully. Say little, listen much! Show him that you are interested in hearing what he has to say and to understand him. An important step in getting him back is to show you care deeply about him. Ask questions and make sure you are reflecting what you hear and showing that you care about his experience. Even if it has nothing to do with your marriage. Whatever he is sharing about, just listen. The first step is to put less attention on what you want and need (for now) and more on what he wants and needs.
Right now your focus is on reaching into your husband's heart, which is probably pretty guarded right about now. The good news is that you are still a married couple, you are still his wife, and as such you still have a certain power that only a wife—the woman he wanted (and likely on some level still wants)—to do forever with has. It's best not to under or over-estimate this. Appreciate it but don't abuse it.
The Best Way to Regain His Interest and Trust
It really comes down to one thing, give him what he wants most—respect. If he asks for space, respect that. If he wants time, respect that. Respect any boundary. Listen about his needs and respond affirmatively. In the meantime, work on and take care of yourself (more on this later).
Let him see, without forcing it on him, that you are taking what has happened between you very seriously and that you’re determined to do your part in creating change. If you think seeing a therapist or a relationship coach would be helpful, find one and schedule your first appointment. If you need help or support with an addiction or other destructive behavior, or support for a mental health issue, get the help. If you’ve gotten into a rut of self-neglect, start prioritizing your well-being on all dimensions. Seeing is believing when it comes to regaining someone’s trust in you.
Essentially, don’t put all your effort into trying to explain yourself to him. Show him all of the things you want him to see and to know. Be action-oriented. Let him see the positive changes you are making, and realize that it may take some time. Therefore, consistency is going to be key. Don’t just find good things to do. Keep doing them!
Realize That Getting Him Back Might Be Hard Work
It’s not easy to change the mind of someone who has reached the point of being willing to walk away from a marriage. That is why I do not recommend trying to change his mind, but rather change yourself and let him change his mind. Can you imagine if at some point he begins to trust you again, that trust grows, and he soon finds himself reconsidering his decision to walk away and calls you to discuss giving your marriage another try? That, in my opinion, would be the best thing that could happen — for both of you. Don’t you agree?
The changes that you make have to be changes you want to make for yourself as well as for your marriage. True and lasting change happens from the inside out. It begins with a changed mind, a changed heart, and a change from mere interest to real commitment. It requires a do-whatever-it-takes attitude because making the change is what is best for you. Otherwise, if the changes are made just to win him back, they will not last. And you will likely end up here again. So do yourself a favor and truly ask yourself— what have I learned from this experience about how I need to grow, change or improve regardless of whether he comes back to me?
It might be worth getting professional help to reflect and answer this question because a fresh perspective can help you see things you might not see on your own. It also provides you with a safe place to work out your fears and feelings and build the confidence to know that you will be okay no matter what happens. Plus, seeking support is a good sign to your husband that you mean business. You aren't all talk—you're the real deal.
A Great Way to Connect With Him is Through His Love Language
Do you know your husband’s love language? Maybe you have never heard of love languages or maybe you have but haven’t ever really thought about how to apply them in your marriage. Now would be a great time to learn and (if possible) practice them. The 5 Languages are 5 behaviors people can take to show love to others. While most people feel loved through all 5 of these ways of expressing love, each of us has a preference for 1 or 2 above the rest. These are our primary love languages— the ones that make us feel especially significant and cared for. His primary love language is the one that makes your husband tick relationally.
The 5 Love Languages are physical affection, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and quality time. Can you identify your own love language? Very often in relationships we show love in the way or ways that we want to be loved. What we want to do instead is learn to love the people dear to us in the ways that they want to be shown love. As you think about your husband, is it apparent to you which of these love languages he likely enjoys receiving most? Do you recall him ever asking you to demonstrate your love in any of these ways?
Obviously because you are apart, it will be difficult, and possibly inappropriate, for you to show your love through his love language. For example, you cannot offer physical touch to him if you are not around each other and mutually open to that kind of closeness. And you cannot spend quality time together if he is not interested in spending time with you. But what you can do is let him know that you are aware of what he needs and that if you were together, you would certainly be mindful to show love to him in the way or ways that most fulfill him.
Becoming clear on all of the ways his core emotional needs are met is a good idea. Reflect on the following questions: what makes my husband feel important? What makes him feel secure? What makes him feel connected? As you reflect on the time you’ve been married to him, what has he communicated to you about his needs? Maybe it’s that he needs to be appreciated in order to feel significant. Perhaps what makes him feel connected is affection. It could be that he feels most secure when he receives validation and encouragement from you. Get clear for yourself on the ways in which your husband needs and wants to be loved by his wife, and what will create emotional intimacy between you.
There's a good chance that he left at least in part because his core emotional needs were not being met.
He Needs to See That He Can Have a New Life— With You By His Side
As he progressed to the point of giving up on your marriage, he had to give up and likely grieve the life that he had planned to create with you. From there he had to begin looking forward and envisioning a new life that he could get excited about. He walked away from you and the life you shared because it was too painful. He wants a new life now. And he needs to see that he can have both you and that new life—a new marriage— that is different from the one he decided he could no longer stay in. A decision he likely did not make easily and that he anguished over for a long time before finally making it.
It’s important that you be clear, first with yourself, about what kind of life you can see yourself creating with your husband moving forward. This does not mean that all of your circumstances will change, though some might, but that your way of being together changes and the way you do life together changes. It might be that in the past you spent a lot of time separately even when you were both home. He was hiding out in his “man cave” playing video games and you were busy working around the house, reading in bed, or watching your favorite shows.
In your “new life” maybe you go shopping together for a new sofa— revive the space where you intend to watch your favorite movies together, sit and talk about what’s on each of your hearts, and play games and have snuggle time on rainy weekend afternoons, goof around with your kids and tell funny stories together. In your new life you might vow to never process your feelings or share important thoughts in text messages or get lost scrolling social media feeds when you and in the same room. You get specific about how you will take better care of your relationship the next time and give it the best chance of survival.
Think of why you had a hard time maintaining an emotional connection and having good times together in the past and consider different ways that you can set up your home and your life, maybe even your schedule, so that you can prevent old disconnecting patterns from repeating in the future. Instead, you can create spaces in your home and space in your calendar with the intention of spending time nurturing your new life and your new marriage with your husband. Focus on how you will create a home environment, as well as an emotional one, that will grow your love and bring family members in your household together.
Envision A Clear Picture of Your New Relationship With Your Husband— And Write it Down!
The power of writing down your vision cannot be understated—this is a good way to get clear, solidify your intention, and begin powerfully bringing it into being. Write out the best version of your marriage and married life that you can imagine. Factor in all the aspects of your life together- your day-to-day life, special occasions, your sex life, your spiritual life, vacation vibes, family time, navigating conflict— all of it. Imagine yourself as the best person you can be, enjoying being in a much better place with him, living a life full of good feelings, and new ways of being and relating. See yourselves experiencing true love together, having overcome this tremendously difficult time in your marriage and deeply appreciating the happy marriage that you have together now. Here comes the most important part— really let yourself feel what it would feel like to be living that reality. I know it might hurt and scare you to let yourself go there, but doing so will deepen your commitment to this vision and all that you have to do in order to attain it.
Make Sure You Are Learning About What Makes Marriage Work
Successful marriages, like unsuccessful ones, have certain things in common. Know what they are! Of course there are simple things we are all aware of— mutual respect, compromise, date nights, attentiveness etc. But there are lesser known things that need to be learned and understood that many people don't ever come into contact with. It's why so many marriages end. And the ones that stay together are not necessarily successful. Devote much time to learning about truly healthy relationships, or what I would call secure-functioning relationships. Ones that are totally mutual and cooperative and that are based on fairness, justice and sensitivity. One hard truth about successful relationships is that love is not enough. Great relationships are formed between two people who are able and willing to do the right thing when it's the hardest—when there's not a whole lot of love in the air. When they feel their partner least deserves it. When a big part of them would really rather just not. It's overriding our innate tendencies as human beings toward selfishness and caring only about our own interests, and choosing humility and sacrifice instead.
There are loads of excellent books, podcasts, online courses and of course counseling and coaching programs that can help you learn and practice excellent relational skills. I wrote this blog post citing 78 quotes by 5 of the world’s top relationship experts. Pursue this education and make it a staple in your life. It will serve you tremendously and you'll be grateful to yourself for doing it. Your husband will be grateful, too.
What NOT to Do No Matter What
Do not beg or plead. As desperate as you may feel, this will turn your husband off. Desperate energy is very much "I need you energy" and while yes, you husband wants to be needed by the one he loves, he wants to be needed in a healthy non-codependent way. Desperation is not healthy need.
Do not violate any boundaries that he sets with you.
Do not speak negatively about him to anyone. Even people you trust completely.
Do not try to manipulate him to get him to see you or call you.
Do not stalk his social media profiles or ask people what he's been doing.
Do not repeat behaviors that you know push him away.
Do remain respectful, self-controlled, and dignified.
Take Excellent Care of Your Whole Self During This Difficult Time
You thought I'd never get to you, didn't you? You matter, my dear. So very much. Your pain matters. Your needs matter. Your desires matter. I remember being where you are— twice! I don't envy your current position or state. But here's what I know—you are going to be okay. I promise. Right now, though, you need tender care and affection. First from yourself, but from others, too. Let it in. Show up for yourself. Forgive yourself. Comfort and console yourself. Give yourself the encouragement, support, and validation you'd give your best friend if she were in your shoes. Even though right now you're the only one fighting for your marriage and working to get it back on track, it's vital that your hurt from the marriage is acknowledged and validated. You've no doubt experienced disappointment, neglect, loneliness, anger and sadness in your marriage too. Maybe you've been betrayed, disrespected, criticized, or talked down to. Maybe you've felt misunderstood or unloved. Practice seeing yourself and your hurt fully and allow yourself to be seen and heard by trusted loved ones.
Do the Little Things That Bring You Joy and Peace Every Day
Each day, take time to nurture your own life is meaningful ways. In times of great change and transition, I am a big fan of journaling. It's an easy way to process your feelings to organize all of those thoughts that are bouncing around in your head non-stop. All you need is some paper, a pen and a spot of time every day. You can also carry around a journal or notebook so you have them to turn to in hard moments throughout the day, as times like this can be a constant roller coaster emotionally.
What brings you joy? If you enjoy taking baths then do that. Listen to music, spend time with friends, get dressed up and go out. If you're a mother, have a friend over or get a sitter and take yourself to the spa or out to lunch. Read, watch great movies, take walks in nature. Whatever brings you joy, do that. Spend time with people who uplift and encourage you. If you have creative interests, now is a great time to lean into them.
It can be all too easy to neglect yourself in painful times—especially when your self-esteem has been impacted and you're feeling disconnected from your worth and value. Make yourself a priority and commit, as hard as it may be, to care for yourself physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally every day.
Don't abandon your relationship with yourself in the pursuit of saving your relationship with your husband. Self-abandonment won't help the situation. Taking great care of yourself will.
Focus on Increasing Your Self-Awareness
As a coach I encounter many people who are in the pursuit of new beginnings, in transition, or engaging revivals of one sort or another. In some cases they've lost themselves, in others they've lost someone or something, or a sense of something, and want to get it back. Whatever it is, we always begin with self-awareness and self-understanding. Whether you work with a coach, counselor or take the self-guided path, invest time and resources learning about yourself. Take personality and strengths assessments. Clarify and define your values. Get clear on what your patterns are, what you truly want out of life, what your blind spots are, what obstacles you keep facing and why. Reflect on your beliefs. Identify your own love languages and emotional needs. Realize your own wounds and notice where you still need to heal within yourself.
Set Meaningful Personal Goals
Once you spend time getting clear on some or all of the areas mentioned above, begin setting goals that reflect what matters most to you and what you most desire for your life. Commit to creating and continually shaping a life that truly fulfills you and allows you to experience the highest levels of peace, freedom, and purpose. Set goals in all 5 primary dimensions of life and wellbeing: spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational and emotional.
Take the vision you created for you marriage and expand upon it to include other relationships and all the areas of your life. Create a 'Grand Vision' for what you want your life to look like a year from now. Be bold in your imagining. Use this time to get honest with yourself and redirect your path where necessary to align with what's true for you. Once you have created a detailed vision for your life, ask yourself these 3 questions:
What do I have to believe in order to make this vision a reality?
What habits do I need to have in order to make this vision a reality?
How do I have to be as a person to make this vision my reality?
Then commit fully. If you're fully committed you'll make no excuses.
Create Rituals of Self-Connection
What is the first thing you do every morning? What's the last thing you do before you go to bed? Do you intentionally find quiet moments throughout the day to check in with yourself? Start being intentional about self-attunement. Notice your emotional states, triggers, tune into your body and its sensations. Pause and ask yourself: what do I need right now? How can best support myself in this moment? What would make life wonderful right now/today/this week?
Start intentionally noticing the voice in your head. What's the voice's tone? Attitude? Language? How do you want it to be? Begin talking to yourself in gentler, kinder and more compassionate ways. Every time you catch yourself being critical of yourself, follow that up with but something I value/like/respect about myself is.... and insert something positive and kind about yourself. Do the same thing with worry-some thoughts. If you think what if it all falls apart?, follow that up with, what if it all comes together more beautifully than I could have ever imagined?
Connect with yourself daily by checking in with yourself, paying attention, and fine-tuning the way you relate to and treat yourself in small and big ways.
Stay Grounded and Hopeful
One the hardest things, if not the hardest thing, about your current situation is the uncertainty. What is going to happen?! You don't know. No person does. And you can't control the outcome of this. You can't control what ultimately happens between you and your husband.
So what can you do? You can choose to believe, first and foremost, that you're going to be okay no matter what. You can do all of the things I suggested above. You can focus on you and becoming the person who most want to be, while fully accepting and loving the person you are right now. You can go courageously after what you want, while keeping an open mind and holding the tension between your deepest desires and the possibility that your destiny will lead you in a different direction.
You can have faith. Trust. Trust life. Trust God if you believe. And if you believe, pray. Pray, my dear. Pray first for yourself. Pray for your husband. Pray that your marriage be healed and restored.
May you have peace. May you have love. May you be happy.
Get on a personalized path to relationship satisfaction with a transformative 90-minute strategy session. Discover and overcome the barriers standing between you and an emotionally fulfilling relationship. Break free from negative patterns, communicate masterfully, and embrace the deeply fulfilling connection you've been longing for. To learn more, visit my programs page.
Thank you for reading!
XO,
Dara
Dara is a writer and President of Mud Coaching. She helps individuals and couples from all over world create the extraordinary relationships that they long for but don’t know how to build. Read more here about Dara’s personal journey from dysfunctional and struggling in love to happily married and thriving.
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