Why You're Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationship

Having unmet emotional needs in a relationship is painful. It can leave you feeling neglected, unloved, and may even make you wonder if you are in the right relationship. Is this where you currently find yourself? If so, this article will help you identify 6 common reasons emotional needs aren’t met in relationships and what you can do to get your needs met more adequately and consistently— because your needs matter a lot.

Why Emotional Needs Matter

In a healthy relationship, partners are aware of and committed to each other's emotional needs. While each romantic partner is responsible for their own needs, each is also concerned with supporting the other in getting their needs adequately met. Through tending to your own and each other's needs, emotional connection is established and deepened over time through consistent attunement and effort. This emotional connection enhances trust and a sense of ease and safety between you, and it sets the stage for a fantastic sex life. 

Unmet needs, on the other hand, breed emotional disconnection and anxiety in the relationship. The fulfillment of emotional needs is one of the most important aspects of successful relationships, which requires a felt sense of safety, significance and connection for each partner. These three core emotional needs exist for everyone, but different people need different things from their partners for their fulfillment. Understanding your own and your partner's relational needs is an important part of creating a relationship that will be happy long term. 

The adequate fulfillment of emotional needs is also important for creating healthy, lasting bonds which significantly influences longevity and overall health. The vital truth here is that the quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. This is why I write about emotional needs as extensively as I do. They are essential for experiencing a lifetime of love and for having a lifetime of well-being and happiness as well. A truly loving relationship is at the base of flourishing across all dimensions of life. 

The fact that you are reading this article indicates that you are taking charge not just of the quality of your romantic relationship, but also of the quality of your life happiness. I invite you to make a conscious choice— yes, right now!— to consistently prioritize your own needs and your partner's needs and to acknowledge what a good thing you are doing for yourself, for your partner, and for your relationship. Nurturing your own and your partner's needs are among the most important things you can do for the growth of your union and for the quality of your life.

6 Common Reasons Why People Struggle with Unmet Needs

There are a number of reasons why this happens. In this article I am going to share the 6 most common different reasons emotional needs don't get fulfilled in a committed relationship. I will also share a next step that you can take to eliminate whichever block or blocks you see, and begin enjoying more emotional fulfillment, joy and connection in your current relationship right away. If you are having a hard time with unmet needs in your relationship, you are in the right place. I'll help you pinpoint what's going wrong and how to make it right.

You might be concerned that maybe you just aren't a good match. While this is certainly possible, it is a rare cause. The reasons I will share are far more common than incompatibility being the cause of unmet needs. In fact, most relationship issues are not caused by incompatibility, but that's altogether a different post. For now, let's stick to the most common reasons needs aren't met in a long-term relationship. 

1. You Didn't Discuss Needs at the Beginning of a Relationship

You met someone, you hit it off, you were excited. Weeks, months and maybe even a year passed by where you felt like you were totally synced up with one another. This honeymoon phase of a relationship can make it seem like things will always just flow because attentiveness to one another comes pretty naturally. Yep, that's your brain on drugs— dopamine, adrenaline and norepinephrine. These tiny chemicals make you feel lots of—you guessed it—chemistry! And that chemistry between you keeps you both coming back for more. It's an effortless stage of a relationship because you're being pulled toward one another and are fixated on each other. 

But soon, as with anything new in your lives, your brains automate each other. The excitement and intoxication naturally wear off. Not to worry, that is by design—it is not a bad sign. If you remained in that honeymoon phase, you'd never get anything else done! But, once your brains automate each other, you need to start putting in more effort into each other and the relationship. Now you are not automatically attentive to the needs of the other person, so you have to be intentional about it. And the truth is, most people are intentional, but they are winging it. They are showing love in the ways that they want to be shown love rather than in the ways that make their partner feel loved. It's at this stage—the disillusionment stage of the relationship— that one or both partners begins to feel like they are in a one-sided relationship, longing for more of their past experiences together, and wondering what went wrong. 

They used to want to see you almost every night, now suddenly they want more alone time. You used to get a phone call around lunch time every day, now some days you don't hear from them until dinner. They used to be such a good listener, now they seem constantly distracted by their phone. You almost never fought, now you seem to bicker every single time you're together. You wanted to do all the same things before, now you seem to have really different interests.

The good news is that this type of shift is common. You can prevent it from being abrupt or extreme when you expect it and get ahead of it by discussing your needs early on in the relationship. 

Once common reason needs don't get brought up in the beginning of a new relationship is because of fear of rocking the boat. When things are going well and you're enjoying the harmony you are experiencing, it can feel risky to bring up the topic of needs. Will it make things weird? Will it scare them off? Will they pull away or get turned off? Of course you are afraid to find out, because it might not be what you hoped for. Yet, it's exactly what you need to know before you get in too deep and before you set a pattern in your relationship that includes a lack of communication. 

We all know that good communication is crucial to the health of a relationship, yet many of us avoid it for far too long in the early stages of a relationship. And by the time we decide to speak up, we may already be carrying resentments toward our partners which will likely not make us very good communicators. There is no great relationship that was built by avoiding risky and hard conversations. We all want healthy relationships, but don't always approach our relationship in healthy ways until it becomes an emergency. I get it— I've done it, too.

The best thing you can do is begin having talks about your needs early on. But if you're realizing you didn't do this and now you're in a situation where needs are going unmet, it's not too late to have an honest conversation with your partner about yours and their needs.

Next step: 

Acknowledge that you've never or rarely discussed your needs with one another and let them know you'd like to do that now.

Ask each other the following 3 questions:

What makes you feel important to me?
When do you feel most connected to me?
What do you need from me to feel safe and secure in our relationship?

Be specific with you answers. If possible, think of times that your partner did fulfill your needs and made you feel deeply loved. Share those times with them. This helps you both see that they are already capable of meeting your needs, and you'd like them to be aware of what specifically they've done right and to do those things more often. 

If your needs aren't being met, chances are you partner also feels that their needs are being neglected. And that brings us to reason number 2.

2. You Are Not Adequately Meeting Your Partner's Needs

A common mistake people in relationships make is that they withhold love when they aren't feeling loved themselves. This transactional approach to relationships leads to all sorts of problems, and one of them is a gridlock where both partners are waiting for the other one to give them what they need before they themselves are willing to give. 

I often tell my clients that the best way to see how well someone can love you is to love them well. Often, your partner's behavior is a reflection of ways you can show up better for them. Are you being the best partner you can be to the person that you are with? Now, this is not to say that you should meet your partner's needs so that they will meet yours. You should meet your partner's needs because that's the partner that you are— you are loving and generous. You give to give, not to get. But because people tend to become focused on their own needs when they aren't being fulfilled, and focused on other people's needs when they are, it's a good starting point to ask: are they feeling fully loved and valued by me?

Do you know your partner's love languages? Are you attuned and attentive when they have a bad day? Do you notice when they express what they need in subtle ways? Do you ask your partner directly what you can do to help them feel loved and supported? It's easy to assume that people feel most loved when grand gestures are made, but the truth is that it's the small things that happen in tiny moments consistently over time that lead to a deep sense of trust and contentment in relationships. Asking about how that business meeting went that they were stressed about. Making them coffee in the morning. Leaving love notes in their sock drawer. Turning toward them in tense moments instead of away. Assuming the best about them when they make a mistake. Being reliable. Being kind and open-hearted in the good times and bad.

Because we all tend to love other people the way we want to be loved rather than prioritizing them in a way that feels most satisfying to them, it's easy to conclude that you are already loving your partner as well as you can and assuming they are simply choosing not to reciprocate that love. More often what is true that is that, while you may be giving a lot, you're not giving the right things. Or you are doing the right thing some of the time, and at other times you aren't, leaving your partner feeling inconsistently loved and valued. 

Next step: 

Have a conversation with your partner about how loved and cherished they are feeling in the relationship. I like using a scale of 1-10 to get an accurate read on where exactly there is room for improvement and how much room there is.

On a scale of 1-10, how loved by me do you feel most of the time?
On a scale of 1-10, how appreciated, how supported, how desired, how respected, how admired, how safe, how significant do you feel by/with me?

Let them know it's safe to be honest and that you want to know what they really feel. If you get anything less than a 10, ask what you could do to bring it up to a 10. 

3. You Are Not Crystal Clear About What You Need

One of the first things I ask my clients when they tell me their needs are not being met is, what do you need? What follows is very often silence, then awkward laughter, and then some variation of... "well, I don't know. I need to think about that." Sometimes a person will have only a vague idea of what their needs are. What is clear to them is that they are feeling neglected, unloved, unimportant or disconnected, but when trying to articulate precisely why and what specifically might change things for the better, they aren't certain. They may conclude that it's quality time they need, when what they are really after is more focused attention from their partner. Or they may say that they need more date nights, when what they really need is affirmation or affection. 

Knowing what you need and what you desire is important for getting those needs and desires fulfilled. It also helps you know where you are can afford to be flexible and where you can't because you'd be neglecting your own needs by doing so. For instance you may have a true need for affection, but that could be delivered in a variety of ways. Knowing which ways you prefer and which ways you can welcome more of will be helpful to both you and your partner. So long as the ultimate need is met, you will feel loved and fulfilled and therefore safe and connected to your partner.

They only way to know what you really need is to reflect on what you desire more of and then determine what deeper need is underneath that desire. I created a workbook to help people get clear on their own needs and on their partner's needs so that they can clearly and confidently ask for what they want and need and lovingly negotiate when necessary. At the end of the day, you will only get what you are willing to ask for. And you can only ask when you know precisely what to ask for and how to ask.

(Imagine if you had a conflict-free way to express your needs that strengthens your relationship and gets them enthusiastically met! Transform tension into connection with my concise 4-step, 16-page No More Unmet Needs Workbook. Take charge today and embrace empowerment over hesitation!)

Next Step:

Take time to reflect on what you'd like to see happen more in your relationship and what you'd like to experience more of. Ask yourself: what emotional needs are being met through these actions or activities? In step 1 my ‘No More Unmet Needs’ workbook I distinguish between the 3 core needs (significance, connection and safety) and a longer list of actionable needs. I help you identify which actionable needs are primary for you as well as the specific ways you'd like for those needs to be fulfilled. In step 4 of the workbook I give you a simple template for asking for what you need from your partner. 

Whether you use the workbook I created or get clear through your own process, it’s imperative that you identify what you need for the fulfillment of your core needs and what ways you prefer and are open to having those needs met. This will help you clearly communicate your needs and also be able to bargain with your partner, if necessary, for how they should ultimately get met.

Once you know what you need, you need to be able to communicate your needs clearly and in a way that is well-received and invites your partner into an experience of loving you that brings them pleasure as well.

4. You Have Not Communicated Your Needs Clearly

It's no secret that some people have a habit of wanting their partners to read their minds. Is that you? If so, this could certainly be why you partner seems a bit clueless about how to love you the way you want to be loved— you haven't actually told them! Sometimes we spend a long time hoping they will just sort of figure it out, and we get frustrated and resentful along the way. Have you spent enough time yet just waiting for them to read you mind or figure it out? Because now you can decide to stop waiting and finally choose to own your needs fully by asking your partner to help you meet them.

One reason this is so hard for some people is that deep down they worry that their needs are too big, too much, too burdensome, too out there. And while true needs are always adequate, sometimes it is worth checking in with yourself to ascertain whether what you are calling needs are actually unrealistic expectations (which we will cover later on in this post) and not really needs that are for your partner to meet. But more often than that, it's just an internalized doubt about legitimate needs that stems from early life. By understanding your own needs more deeply, and becoming confident in their validity, you can also become confident in asking for what you need.

Once you've decided to approach your partner and have a conversation about your needs, remember this key tip: don't tell them what they are doing wrong or not doing, help them see what doing things right would look like. Come from a "we" perspective rather than a "me" perspective. Rather than "I want to be more connected to you", try "I'd like us to feel more connected to each other. We both deserve that. Here's what would make me feel closer to you. What would make you feel closer to me?" 

Next Step:

Make it a priority to spend less time hoping and wishing your partner will figure out how to meet your needs, and get into the habit of having open, honest and clear communication about what you both need to enjoy more closeness, safety and connection in your relationship. I recommend that every couple have a weekly check in where they express appreciation to each other, talk about what's going right in the relationship, and process any pain points that need attention. A fantastic template for a weekly check in is called the State of the Union created by the Gottman's. I love how it's superbly balanced with opportunity to express appreciation and affirmation to each other with opportunity to focus on where things could improve. Give it a try!

5. You Become Angry & Hostile When Your Needs Aren't Met

One of the hardest things to recover from is when your partner isn't meeting your needs because they have felt attacked and condemned for not meeting them in the past. Most people are not motivated by negative reinforcement but consistently respond to pleasurable reinforcement. What happens when we get angry, controlling or critical when we are disappointed is that the behavior we engage in violates our partner's needs. Now we're in a real pickle because first we have to atone for this behavior and make our partner feel safe again, and that could take some time.

What gets people stuck sometimes is a sense of entitlement when it comes to their needs. When they don't get what they feel they are entitled to, they go into fight mode. If this is you (as it was once me), the primary thing to remember when communicating about your needs is that your needs are your own responsibility, not your partner's. Their role as your partner is to help you get your needs met to the best of their ability. Keeping this in mind will keep you from approaching a needs-based conversation in a demanding or aggressive way and will help you instead make requests of your partner, and be open to negotiating whenever necessary. 

Having a sense of entitlement around needs can be potentially dangerous in that it can lead to behaviors that fall under emotional abuse, such as insults, manipulation, intimidating, threatening and belittling. Remember that your partner has to be able to relate to you. Once you become aggressive, hostile, controlling or demanding they cannot do that. And they will not want to do that because you will appear threatening to them and the exact opposite of what you want to happen, will happen— they will detach from you and distance themselves. You want your needs met so that you can feel connected, so the way to approach your unmet relational needs is through drawing your partner in closer and making them want to be near you and to support you in getting your needs met.

Next Step:

Work on your mindset when it comes to your needs and create a framework where you are the primary person responsible for all of your needs. The best way to evoke your partner's cooperation in meeting them is to be mindful about their needs, to show them what it would look like to make you feel loved and cherished, and to make requests of them rather than demands. Be open to negotiating with your partner and working together to find ways of getting both of your needs met that feel good for both of you. 

If you find yourself struggling to breakout of the habit of getting angry or wanting to lash out or control your partner, I recommend that you seek out professional help for learning to regulate your emotions and manage your reactivity. Even a lovable person who is kind and compassionate at their core can have this struggle. It is not a reflection of who you are but rather of the relational trauma of your past, and getting help could save you a lot of time trying to go through a healing process alone. 

You deserve to be in a good place relationally and to enjoy the fulfillment, peace and joy of a healthy relationship. 

6. You Have Unrealistic Expectations When It Comes to Your Needs

Do you expect your partner to take away your insecurities or fix your self-esteem? Do you expect them to make you happy? Do you expect them to always say yes to you when you need or want something from them? Do you expect them to do things or love you in ways that they, from the very beginning, have never demonstrated a willingness or ability to? Do you expect your partner to do something they never agreed to do? If you answered yes to any of these questions, your needs are likely not being met because you have unrealistic expectations. 

Having unrealistic expectations is terribly painful for both people in the relationship because one is under the illusion that they can get what they want although they never can, and the partner is in an impossible situation where they can never win. Both feel hopeless. This can take an immense toll on a relationship. 

The best way to avoid having unrealistic expectations in a relationship is to learn to mindfully manage your expectations by assessing them using these 3 qualifiers: the expectation has been mutually agreed upon, the expectation has been successfully met before (your partner has previously demonstrated an ability to meet it), and the expectation does not violate the other person's needs in any way (ie. your request for more transparency in the relationship does not violate their personal need for privacy).

Unrealistic expectations are often born out of unrealistic beliefs about what one can expect from a relationship or a partner. For example believing that your partner can make you happy, when you in reality you are the only one who can facilitate your own happiness. Or the belief that your partner can make you stop feeling insecure about yourself. Some people believe that if their partner truly loves them they will always say yes to their requests. If you find yourself chronically disappointed in your relationship, and you realize that you experienced the same in your previous relationship, and the one before that, it might be worth having a look at what your beliefs are about relationships, how they should be, and what you should be able to experience in them. 

Next Step:

​Make a list of your expectations and see if they meet the 3 criteria for realistic expectations. If they don't, they you can modify them accordingly. If they do, then you might need to have a more serious conversation with your partner about where things are going wrong and see if you can work together to create more fulfillment by forming agreements about how you'll take care of your relationship and each other moving forward.

Also, write down all of your "shoulds" about relationships and ask yourself where those beliefs come from and if they are holding you back from having a truly happy relationship based on what's possible between you and your partner. 

Final Thoughts

As I mentioned at the outset of this post, emotional needs are important and impact you on all dimensions of life. You exercise your personal power when you take control of your own needs and your own happiness by getting clear about what you need, by learning to communicate your needs clearly and confidently, by being attuned to and considerate of your partner's needs, and by choosing people who demonstrate a willingness and an ability to help you get your needs met adequately and consistently. 

When entering a new relationship, it's best to begin having conversations about needs early on in order to establish a pattern of communicating about needs and to discern as early as possible if you are both willing and able to love each other in the ways you each desire and deserve to be loved. But it's never too late to begin talking about needs and there is a way to do it that maximizes the potential for fulfillment and ways that will minimize that potential. Learning the difference is crucial. 

Be mindful of how you can help your partner feel emotionally fulfilled and connected in the relationship. Avoid assuming you know what they need and ask them directly. Get clear on your own needs and learn how to communicate them in a way that invites your partner to join you in being fulfilled in happy. Remember to own your own needs fully and to be mindful of who in your life is willing and able to help you get your needs met. Make clear agreements around needs and preferences, mindfully managing them, so that the expectations you have are reasonable and have a high chance of being met.

Unlock the Secrets to an Emotionally Fulfilling Relationship

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To learn more, visit my programs page. 

Thank you for reading!

XO,
Dara

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Dara is a writer and President of Mud Coaching. She helps individuals and couples from all over world create the extraordinary relationships that they long for but don’t know how to build. Read more here about Dara’s personal journey from dysfunctional and struggling in love to happily married and thriving.