Do You Have Unrealistic Expectations In Your Relationship? Here's how to tell

Are you feeling constantly let down by the people in your life?  I used to face disappointment after disappointment- especially in my romantic relationships, but with friends, too. Let down after let down, I started wondering why I couldn't seem to attract the kind of people into my life who put in adequate effort, who were thoughtful and generous, who aimed to please- ya know, people like me! 

I wondered if this was because I was expecting too much, or because my expectations were unrealistic or unfair, or if I was constantly disappointed because the people I kept choosing were just crappy, selfish people who didn't give a damn about anyone but themselves. I was confused and frustrated. I felt unloved and uncared for. I started to worry that I was doomed to a lifetime of unsatisfying relationships.

To have expectations or not to have expectations- that seemed to be the core question up for debate among those offering solutions to combatting disappointment with others. On the one side a simple solution- stop expecting anything, meet all of your own needs, and you'll never get disappointed! On the other the notion that having high expectations is important in getting what you want out of any relationship, so ya better know what you want and communicate it. I tried it both ways, and I was still unhappy. Neither option helped me get my needs met. 

So after toiling, contemplating, learning and experimenting  for years, I finally began to figure things out on my own.  What I came to realize is that the wrong question was being asked. It wasn't about whether or not to have expectations (you should have them), it was about what was okay and reasonable to expect and what wasn't. The question needed to be- 'how do I establish healthy expectations that support mutual benefit and satisfaction?' Having the wrong expectations damages and often ends relationships. Part of the reason for this is, when not contemplated within the frame of mutuality, one person's expectation could compromise the other person's sense of wellbeing or satisfaction.

Here is an example of this from my personal experience.  When I met my current partner, he would occasionally smoke cigarettes in social settings. I am not a smoker and do not like smoking at all, but I initially accepted that he smoked from time to time. At some point I grew frustrated with the smoking, expressed it to him, and expected him to quit altogether. He didn't want to quit because he enjoys a cigarette when out with the guys. We began to fight about it and we did so for months.

I fell into the trap of focusing on my own wants over his needs- I wanted him to not smoke because I thought it was gross and unhealthy. He needed to feel free to smoke if he wants to smoke. Eventually I realized it was reasonable to expect him to hear me out about my concern, which he did, but unreasonable to expect him to quit just because I didn't like it. I knew he smoked sometimes when we met, and I accepted him and chose to date him knowing he was as an occasional smoker. He needed and expected to feel accepted by me, free to make his own decisions without being judged, and to have his decision respected. That was reasonable, and a good lesson for me, might I add, on how to love my partner better.

So here is the first thing I learned to ask in order to discern if my expectation was supporting both mine and the other person's best interests:

What do I fundamentally need to feel loved and safe in the relationship?

This question has to do with what I need as a person, and what all people need- including my partner and friends.  All of us feel loved and safe through things like kindness, acceptance, affection, and respect. Therefore, it is reasonable to expect these things that make up emotional safety, for without them a healthy relationship is impossible. And because one should expect to give and receive these critical things in any close personal relationship, any expectation I may have that disrespects the other person in some way, is unkind, communicates a lack of acceptance for who they are or how I know them to be, or deprives them of affection is unjustifiable. 

(Do you feel confused or unclear about what you need and desire? Remove all confusion and doubt by completing my No More Unmet Needs Workbook.)

Studies confirm that people who have high expectations for how they are treated in relationships get what they expect, and those with low or no expectations are treated poorly. It's important to clarify for yourself and others what your fundamental needs are so that don't find yourself starved for the basics of what feeds that sense of connection and emotional security in your important relationships.

I believe strongly that having expectations in our relationships is not only okay, it's critical. Expectations based on needs are primarily the expectations I believe we should all hold without compromise. Without respect, kindness, acceptance, affection, and trust, needs that translate into healthy expectations, flourishing relationships are not possible. Without flourishing relationships, thriving as individuals is not possible. Therefore we will call these expectations Premium Expectations.

What behaviors and actions make me feel most loved in my relationships?

But what about expectations based on needs that are more unique and less universal? Expectations that are particular to an individual based on their love style or personality? Expectations that fall into this category, which I call Moderate Expectations, are not expectations that are fair or reasonable to have of everyone, the way Premium Expectations are. These, instead, require more moderation in their application. Their validity is subject to how they compliment the person of whom we expect them. The expectation can be considered reasonable and feasible to have of one person, and not of another.

Keep in mind the question of whether an expectation is mutually beneficial and satisfying. Now imagine you are dating someone new and it's been about 2 months. You are a self-aware person and know your primary love language is affection, followed closely by words of affirmation. This person is kind to you, treats you with a lot of respect, accepts you for who you are- so that is great! You know they care about you because they are thoughtful- maybe they vacuumed out your car or made your lunch without your asking- so sweet! And they brought you a thoughtful gift, which you appreciated.

But, they aren't very affectionate physically. And they don't really tell you how they feel about you or pay compliments. You even noticed that they don't hug their friends and they never really say much about what the people they are close to mean to them. In fact, they've even mentioned how they aren't really good about verbally expressing their feelings, and it makes them somewhat uncomfortable. They aren't really into the "touchy-feely" stuff, so they show their love in other ways.

The thing is, you need physical touch. And you like to hear how much someone loves you and what they love about you. That's what makes you feel most loved and happy in your relationships.  So what can you expect? Is it fair to expect your new partner to be more affectionate than they are naturally inclined to be? And to be more verbally expressive than is natural or comfortable for them?  Well, maybe. Before any expectations regarding behavior change can be justified, communication needs to take place.

First, you need to communicate your need. You CAN expect your new partner to listen to your needs and to care that this is something that matters to you. This is a simple practice of respect and kindness; fundamental needs that enable you to feel seen and heard. A moderate expectation that may then result will be born out of that conversation. If your partner agrees to try and be more affectionate, then you may expect them to put that effort in and try.

This is where things need to be approached with caution. We all already know how hard it is to change anything about ourselves- we should not expect our partners to change immediately or with ease, or even to succeed at all. It's your responsibility to find a partner that is demonstrably able to meet your needs, or to accept a different way of loving as sufficient for yourself. You cannot expect anyone to change in order to meet your needs unless they communicate that that is their desire, and then your expectations need to be held together with the reality that the change may or may not take hold, because change is hard and up to the other person, not up to you.

When I met Austin I was aware that acts of service was my primary love languages.  He is very verbally expressive and extremely affectionate, but he's not one who'll naturally begin looking for things to do to make my life easier. If I ask him to do something specific he is always willing to help me. But someone who is inclined toward acts of service looks for opportunities to help and does them without being prompted.  I shared my love languages with him and he expressed that he wants to love me that way.

Three years later I usually still have to ask. I fully accept this and feel nonetheless very loved in our relationship, which is ultimately what I need- to feel his love. Luckily words of affirmation and affection are love languages that are fulfilling to me as well. And so it's enough for me that he expresses his love with beautiful words and lots of hugs and kisses.

In the end, it’s unfair for me to expect him to be an acts-of-service kinda guy. It's just not how he naturally operates. If I held him accountable to behave this way as the norm- if I expected him to be primarily that way- we'd probably both be pretty miserable. Instead, I accept him for who he is, and love him for what he does do to show his love toward me. I am happy because my need for feeling deeply loved is ultimately met.

But what if I had a stronger need for this particular love language of acts of service be more heavily practiced by him, because otherwise I wasn't feeling loved? Then I would likely have to end the relationship and find a partner for whom that would be feasible, someone who naturally operates in these ways. This way, we would both be benefiting and feeling satisfied because there is a fundamental compatibility that enables both of us to naturally give and receive without either being stretched or sacrificing beyond our comfort and what is sustainable. 

So here’s the bottom line. A Moderate Expectation is one that is only feasible if it:

1. Allows the other person to have their fundamental needs met without compromise (respect, kindness, acceptance etc.)

2. Is agreed upon and genuinely desired by both individuals (mutually beneficial and satisfying)

3. Promotes the others person's natural tendencies, abilities, and/or desires

Any expectation that is extended without the above three requirements met is what I call a Toxic Expectation, which is an unrealistic expectation.  Unrealistic expectations breeds disappointment, resentment, criticism and contempt in relationships.  This happened when I expected Austin to stop smoking socially. I knew he was a social smoker and then I decided I didn't like it anymore, so I expected him to stop. He never agreed to stop smoking if decided I didn’t like it.  He didn't want to stop! He needs to feel free to smoke with his pals sometimes. We had a lot of fights that put considerable stress on our relationship. I was judging him (unkind, unaccepting), I was demanding him to bend to my will (disrespect), and not being thoughtful to what he desired (not mutually satisfying). It was a toxic expectation that had to go. 

In summary, I've broken expectations down into three types- Premium (fundamental human needs based), Moderate (individual needs or preferences that meet the three criteria), and Toxic (individual needs or preferences that do not meet the three criteria of moderate expectations). 

Get on a personalized path to relationship satisfaction with a transformative 90-minute strategy session. Discover and overcome the barriers standing between you and an emotionally fulfilling relationship. Break free from negative patterns, communicate masterfully, and embrace the deeply fulfilling connection you've been longing for. To learn more, visit my programs page. 

My work on expectations is just beginning, so I'd love your thoughts and feedback.  Comment below or email me directly to dara@mudcoaching.com.