Do you often find yourself feeling frustrated or hurt because your needs aren’t being met? Are you stuck in a cycle of disappointment, blaming others for your unhappiness while feeling powerless to change the situation? Resentment is one of those emotions that can quietly fester and grow, gradually eroding the foundations of our relationships and inner peace.

The hard truth about resentment is that it’s not just the result of someone else’s failings or shortcomings; more often than not, it stems from the ways in which we abandon and betray ourselves.

The Root of Resentment:: Self-Abandonment and Self-Betrayal

At its core, resentment is an emotion that arises when we feel wronged, undervalued, or unfulfilled. It’s easy to point the finger at others and blame them for not meeting our expectations or needs. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: resentment is often the byproduct of our own self-abandonment and self-betrayal.

There are typically two scenarios in which resentment takes root:

1. Believing What Someone Tells You Rather Than What They Show You
   We’ve all been there—someone tells us they’ll change, that they’ll be more attentive, or that they’ll finally meet our needs. And we want to believe them so badly that we ignore the signs that nothing is actually changing. We create unrealistic expectations based on words rather than actions, and when reality falls short, we feel hurt, disappointed, and, eventually, resentful.

2. Staying in Situations Where Your Needs Aren’t Being Met
   Sometimes, it’s clear that what we want or need isn’t going to be fulfilled. We know deep down that the other person either lacks the capacity or willingness to meet our needs. Yet, we stay. We stay out of fear, hope, or a misguided sense of loyalty. And as time goes on, we start blaming them for our own dissatisfaction, even though we’re the ones who made the choice to stay.

In both cases, the common thread is that we betray ourselves by refusing to see things clearly. We abandon ourselves when we choose to suppress or sacrifice our own needs or deep desires, usually because some part of us believes that our needs don’t matter. This belief is often reflected in relationships where our needs are intermittently met or chronically unmet.

“When you betray yourself, you are unknowingly teaching others to betray you as well.” — Courtney Carver

The Reality of Unmet Needs: When Good Intentions Aren’t Enough

It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes the people in our lives genuinely want to meet our needs, but they lack the capacity to do so adequately. This could be due to their own limitations, past experiences, or simply because they’re not in a position to give what we require. Other times, someone has never agreed to meet our needs, yet we hold onto hope that things will change.

In either scenario, it’s crucial to face reality head-on. No matter how much someone may want to meet your needs, if they are unable or unwilling to do so, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and, ultimately, resentment. Continuing to expect them to change is a form of self-betrayal because it involves denying what is actually happening in favor of an idealized version of the situation. Coming to terms with the fact that you love someone who is either unable or unwilling to meet your needs is incredibly challenging.

Preventing Resentment: The Power of Clarity and Boundaries

So, how do we prevent resentment from taking root in our lives and relationships? The answer lies in clarity and boundaries.

1. Seeing Things as They Are
   The first step is to cultivate the willingness to see things as they truly are, not as we wish they would be. This requires us to confront uncomfortable truths about our relationships, our own patterns of behavior, and the dynamics at play. It means paying attention to actions rather than words, and recognizing when someone is consistently unable to meet our needs, despite their best efforts or intentions.

2. Knowing Your Non-Negotiables
   Once you have clarity, it’s essential to identify your non-negotiables and deal-breakers. These are the things that are absolutely essential to your well-being and happiness. They’re the lines that, if crossed, signal that it’s time to reevaluate the relationship or situation. Staying true to these non-negotiables is an act of self-loyalty and self-respect.

3. Remaining Loyal to Yourself
   Being loyal to yourself means standing firm in your own needs and being committed to what is truly best for you, even when it’s difficult. It means having the courage to make tough choices, such as walking away from a relationship that isn’t fulfilling or setting firm boundaries with someone who consistently fails to respect your needs. This loyalty to yourself is the antidote to resentment because it ensures that you are not abandoning or betraying yourself in the pursuit of love, approval, or validation from others.

“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” — Tony Gaskins

Aligning with Yourself: Illuminating the Truths You Need to See

When you align with yourself—when you honor your needs, desires, and boundaries—you illuminate important truths about what you genuinely need and want, and what you are not willing to tolerate. This alignment brings with it a deeper understanding of yourself and your relationships.

1. Understanding Your True Needs
   Alignment helps you get clear on what you truly need in a relationship or situation. It forces you to look beyond superficial desires and dig into the deeper needs that drive your emotions and behaviors. Maybe you need more emotional support, or perhaps you crave greater autonomy and independence. Whatever your needs are, alignment allows you to identify them clearly and prioritize them in your decision-making.

2. Recognizing What You Won’t Tolerate
   Just as alignment clarifies your needs, it also sheds light on what you are not willing to tolerate. This could be behaviors, attitudes, or circumstances that are fundamentally incompatible with your well-being. When you are aligned with yourself, you are less likely to make excuses for others or allow your boundaries to be crossed. You recognize when a situation is detrimental to your emotional health, and you have the strength to address it.

3. Building the Courage to Stand Firm
   Finally, alignment with yourself fosters the courage and willingness to stand firm in your needs and boundaries. This courage is what enables you to make difficult choices, such as leaving a toxic relationship or saying no to something that doesn’t serve your highest good. It’s the courage to prioritize your well-being over the desire to please others, and to choose self-respect over the fear of being alone.

(Imagine if you had a conflict-free way to express your needs that strengthens your relationship and gets them enthusiastically met. Transform tension into connection with my concise 4-step, 16-page No More Unmet Needs Workbook. Take charge today and embrace empowerment over hesitation.)

The Hard Choices: Choosing Yourself Over Resentment

Choosing yourself often means making hard choices. It might mean ending a relationship that once brought you joy but is now a source of pain and frustration. It could involve setting boundaries with a loved one, knowing that they may react negatively. Or it might mean confronting your own patterns of self-abandonment and making a conscious decision to change.

These choices are not easy, but they are necessary if you want to live a life free of resentment. Resentment thrives in the gap between what we need and what we allow ourselves to accept. By closing that gap—by choosing to honor your needs and remain loyal to yourself—you prevent resentment from taking hold.

“You owe yourself the love that you so freely give to other people.”
— Unknown

Conclusion: Embracing the Power of Self-Loyalty

The hard truth about resentment is that it’s not about what others do or don’t do; it’s about how we choose to respond to our own needs and desires. When we betray ourselves by ignoring our needs or refusing to see things clearly, we pave the way for resentment to grow. But when we align with ourselves—when we see things as they are, know our non-negotiables, and remain loyal to ourselves—we protect ourselves from the corrosive effects of resentment.

Resentment is a sign that something within us is out of alignment. It’s a signal that we need to reevaluate our choices and reconnect with our own needs and boundaries. By embracing the power of self-loyalty, we can prevent resentment from taking root and instead cultivate relationships and situations that truly nourish and fulfill us.

So, the next time you feel resentment creeping in, ask yourself: Where am I betraying or abandoning myself? What truths am I refusing to see? And how can I realign with my true needs and desires? In answering these questions, you’ll find the clarity and strength to choose yourself—and in doing so, you’ll free yourself from the grip of resentment.

If you’re tired of feeling stuck in cycles of resentment and frustration, and you’re ready to break free from the patterns that no longer serve you, my Alignment Strategy coaching can help you reclaim your power and find the clarity you need. Together, we’ll explore the underlying beliefs that drive your self-betrayal and abandonment, and work to realign your life with your true needs, values, and desires. 

Whether you’re struggling with relationship dynamics, unmet needs, or simply seeking to live more authentically, my coaching services are designed to support you in creating a life that truly reflects who you are at your core. Don’t let resentment define your story—take the first step toward alignment and fulfillment by booking a session today.

XO,
Dara

Dara Poznar is a writer and President of Mud Coaching, specializing in Alignment Strategy. She empowers individuals worldwide to align their lives and relationships with their authentic selves. Through her guidance, clients discover how to harmonize their actions, values, and desires to create fulfilling and authentic lives. Learn more about Dara’s personal journey here.