Feeling not good enough— what does that mean? Less than required, inadequate, lacking, insufficient. Is that how you feel about yourself?

If so, first I want to say—I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s very difficult coping with feelings of inadequacy and I think it’s brave and wise that you are seeking out ways to help yourself with it. It also tells me that you are connected to the part of yourself that knows you are worthy of feeling good about who you are and capable of running your own life. That is the part of you that will help you through feeling not good enough because it already knows you are. And it already knows how to help you embrace your good enoughness. 

If you are wondering, what on earth is this lady talking about? I know, it may sound a little strange to imagine you—one person—having different inner parts who think, know and want different things. But you do! All human beings are multidimensional beings with various parts of themselves. The two parts we are going to focus on in this article are your wounded self and your wise self. Your wounded self is a younger part of you that is very much alive within you. The wise self is the more mature part. Let me illustrate the different ways they each play their roles in your life.

The First Step is to Identify Your Wise Self

Have you ever had someone you care about, maybe your best friend or one of your family members, come to you at a time when they were feeling down on themselves? Maybe they weren’t feeling good enough and were overcome by negative feelings and negative thoughts. Do you remember what you said to that person, or can you imagine what you would say?  I imagine the first thing you'd do would be to validate their feelings and empathize with them. And then, once they felt seen and understood, you'd try to use encouraging words and help them see the good things about themselves that maybe they are struggling to see themselves.

That part of you that is grounded and centered and has learned new skills for coping with life and shifting their mindset is your Wise Self. That is the part that shows up to help and support others. That is the part that knows what to do and how to help. It's the self that has figured out some things about how things go in life and that has done the hard work of forging a path forward despite being overrun by negative emotions and that gets up and dusts themselves off, risking pain and failure and humiliation, even after going through negative experiences. It's the part that has boundaries with other people and their own inner critic. It's the part that gets on google to find solutions for the part that struggles with not feeling good enough. It's the you that is reading this blog post! The you that knows they deserve and are worthy of success and happiness in all the areas of your life.

Just like the struggling close friend who has a bad day and gets caught up in feelings of low self-worth or chronically deals with low self-esteem, there is a part of you that struggles, too. That part is a much younger, less experienced part of you that is wounded and scared and lost. Sometimes when you go through a tough experience in life that is scary or intimidating or if you're simply scrolling social media and start comparing yourself to the success of others, that young part of you who isn't healed yet and who doesn't know his or her worth because someone or something gave them the impression that they are ‘less than’ will come forward with all their own issues and the next thing you know, have taken over. Your wise self, which is actually your true self, gets overshadowed. The work is to get your wise self back online and be supportive and encouraging to that younger you.

But how do you do that? When your nervous system is activated and you are fearful or anxious or being triggered by a specific situation or after receiving negative feedback, your inner child, that younger wounded version of you, comes online. The most effective way to return to a deactivated state so that your wise self can come back online is to practice some embodied relaxation techniques. One of the best strategies I know for this is to practice 4 long inhales for a count of 4 and 4 long exhales for a count of 8. As you do this, pay attention to the sensations of the breath in your body. It's okay if your mind wanders, just bring it back when you notice it has.

Another good way to reground which I find is also the quickest way to do so is to press each of your fingers into your thumbs one by one and go back and forth for a full minute. You can also wiggle your toes at the same time. This brings your focus out of the mind and into the body and the present moment. I like to use this one whenever I am having a panic attack, or feel one coming on, because it works really quickly. Coming back into our bodies is the key to grounding and centering and bringing our wise self back online to take charge and to take care of the younger, wounded self that feels alone, insecure and inadequate.

Learn to Give Yourself Love and Support

Knowing how to give yourself emotional support is very important when you are feeling a lack of self-confidence or struggling with emotional problems, or if you have a mental illness or are a childhood trauma survivor. Some people try to help themselves by using positive thinking or seeking validation from external sources, but these things are temporary if they work at all. When you are not feeling good enough, what you ultimately need is to identify the root cause of this belief. Whether it's imposter syndrome, feeling insecure in personal relationships, discomfort with your body type or any other manifestation of the "not good enough" negative core belief, it is a very painful feeling to not believe in your own enoughness. Commit to doing the work to track this core belief to its root and to rip it out and replace it with the truth: you self-worth is innate. It is your birthright and belongs to you simply because you are breathing. In the meantime though, you need to tend to the pain of the feeling of ‘not enough’.

So what is the best thing you can do when this feeling arises and you are in pain? The first thing is to notice that the feeling is there. Next, I want you to remember that the part of you that feels this way is that young, wounded insecure part that didn't get her (or his) needs for validation, acceptance, comfort and/or unconditional love met when she needed it the most and now your older, wiser self can go back to her and give her the thing that she needs in the moment. To do this successfully, remember the acronym L.O.V.E.

“Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites.” —Brene Brown

Listen to her perspective and really hear what she has to say about why she is feeling like she's not enough. Open yourself fully to her experience. Maybe she wants to tell you how no one really sees her, no one is giving her the attention/affection/support/compassion etc. that she needs and she feels alone and lost. Really let her express what’s going on for her. Validate her feelings and experience. Tell her that it makes sense that she doesn't feel good enough because the people she depended on to champion her and lift her up did the opposite or were indifferent or distracted. Let her know it's understandable that she is confused about her worth. Affirm that her suspicion that she needs and deserves more is absolutely true. Encourage her by letting her know that you are there for her and that she is no longer alone. Tell her what you see in her. Affirm her worth and lovability. Let her know she is enough.

Additionally, having a daily practice of self-connection really helps. Learning to attune to and respond to your own needs is an excellent way to foster a healthy, loving and nurturing relationship with yourself. Make the commitment to go inward and notice what is happening inside of you—physically, mentally and emotionally—every single day. At the center of every great relationship is attention. Be attentive to yourself, your own desires and your needs. Clarify them and advocate for them. When you notice something that you struggle to see, don’t judge yourself. Remember that every person has strengths and weakness, virtues and flaws. Be a true friend to yourself by being fiercely self-accepting.

What to Do If Feeling Not Good Enough is Making You Depressed or Suicidal

I've been there—I've been both depressed and I've had suicidal thoughts, and there's nothing worse. Maybe your feeling of not being good enough stems from a belief that you are a terrible person. Maybe you don't believe that a happy life is possible for you and so, why bother? Maybe you're convinced that great things only happen to other people. It could be that you are ashamed because of life choices you have made. Perhaps for your whole life you have lived with self-loathing and self-hatred and you are just tired of it. If this is you, I want to point out that you are here reading this blog post. You know what that tells me? That you want to live! There's a part of you that is fighting for your life right now. There's a part of you that wants to heal and experience yourself and your life in a new way. Let that part lead! It is wise and it knows what is best for you.

Deep down, you know you are a capable person, created in God's image, and here to fulfill a unique purpose on this earth. Peace, joy, and love are your natural state. All of this other stuff was added onto you through your life circumstances and experiences, but you can free yourself from that now. You were in survival mode. You had no choice but to make yourself small, and to lie to yourself to stay safe, and to bend and twist yourself into something and someone you aren't. But it's time to return to your true self and shed everything false. However, you likely will not be able to do that all alone.

Your wise self already knows that if you are depressed and/or suicidal, you need to seek professional help. These days you don't even have to go to a psychiatrist's office, you can opt for online therapy. Or you can hop on the phone and call SAMHSA's national helpline 1-800-662-4357. There are also support groups you can join, or if you're a student, school counselors you can open up to.

If you take just one small step right now, in this very moment, let that be to latch onto an obvious truth: that you want to live and have a chance at a good life. There's enough time. There's more than enough time to turn everything around. There are better ways and better days ahead for you. It's simply gonna take you realizing the truth that you are enough, and to live that truth from the inside out.

Promise yourself right now— I will never give up on myself. I will have my own back, fulfill my purpose, and live authentically from now on.

If you are making this promise to yourself today, write to me and let me know to dara@mudcoaching.com. Let’s connect and support each other’s wounded inner children. The best way to heal is together.

XO,
Dara