You’re wondering why it has to be so hard. You don’t ask for much, you really don’t. Just a bit of thoughtfulness, a little effort. Maybe some appreciation. Consideration, ya know? Why do you have to beg for consideration? Why do you have to ask for anything at all? No one asks you to think about their needs. They don’t have to. You look for ways to show your love, to give, to care. All you want is the same in return. You feel invisible and it hurts.

Friend, I hear you!

Emotional needs are a common topic in my coaching sessions. That’s probably because we all have emotional needs, and we are all dependent on other people to fulfill some of them. Interdependence is a key part of every healthy and thriving relationship. When your emotional needs are unmet by those you are closest to and therefore most dependent on, you can find yourself feeling unloved, rejected, and alone. When you communicate your hurt and nothing changes, resentment and bitterness set in. Eventually disconnection grows and seriously threatens your most treasured relationships.

I myself have spent a lot of time in past relationships fuming with anger and resentment because I was feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, and invisible. And not only with partners. Have you had a one-sided friendship? Not fun at all. I know I am not alone. I’ve had many conversations with friends and clients who have felt hurt and disappointed because it felt as though their needs just weren’t very important to their partners or others close to them. It’s an awful feeling. We all need to feel that we matter to those we love. When others willingly and consistently meet our needs, they are saying, ‘you matter to me’.

Physical needs, like water, shelter, sleep, and clothing are clearly necessities for every human being. Equally important emotional and psychological needs exists for all people as well. Examples are the needs for psychological safety, trust, respect, and appreciation. Just as we can be physically starved, we can become emotionally starved when our emotional needs are not met. Some of these needs are universal, while others are individual. All of us need to feel loved, but what makes each of us feel loved can vary. 

The most transformative realization I have had regarding needs is that your effort to get your needs met in relationship is deeply intertwined with whether you tend to place expectations on others mindfully or mindlessly. Mindless looks something like- “I have this need. My partner will just meet it.” The fact that the need exists is the basis for the expectation and it’s completely automatic. This is the root of what it looks like to have unrealistic expectations.

Mindful, on the other hand, is much more thoughtful. It separates having a need from having the right conditions required to meet the need. It looks more like- “I have this need—whose responsibility is it to meet it, mine or someone else’s? Can this person meet this need? Are they willing to? Is it fair to expect them to meet it?” Taking a mindful approach helps you to have realistic expectations of your partner and others.

The fact that the need exists does not mean that the conditions automatically exist for the need to get met. Reflection, communication, and negotiation are usually required. To set yourself up for having your needs successfully and consistently met, I invite you to begin reflecting by asking yourself the following 8 questions. 

1. Am I adequately meeting my own needs?

Neglecting to meet one’s own needs is the most common reason one’s needs do not get met. There are two primary ways this plays out.

One way this happens is when we expect our partners to do for us what we are not willing to do for ourselves- we want them to prioritize our wellbeing even though we don’t prioritize our own. We put ourselves last while wanting them to put us first. It doesn’t work. Whether consciously or subconsciously, partners perceive this and reflect it. If you do not make yourself a priority, how can you expect someone else to make you one? If you do not keep your word to yourself, how can you expect someone to keep their word to you? Treating yourself the way you want other people to treat you is essential. 

Another way you may neglect your own needs is by expecting someone else to meet a need that you should be meeting yourself. One common example of how you can put a need that is meant to be self-met on a partner is when you are feeling insecure due to your own history. A bad breakup or unloving upbringing may have left you afraid of being hurt in a relationship. That fear gets projected onto your partner by putting the onus on them to protect your heart and not to hurt you, rather than healing your own deeper insecurities and accepting that every relationship carries with it the risk of separation and heartbreak. This does not mean that your partner doesn’t have a duty to be mindful of and sensitive to your past woundings. It just means that they cannot be held responsible for making you feel secure in yourself, which is impossible for them to do.

Even needs that you look to other people to meet are ultimately your responsibility. They are your needs. Therefore it’s up to you to secure the conditions required for your needs to get met. Success begins with a self-loving relationship that is cultivated through a deep self-understanding. Get to know yourself and what specifically it is you need from yourself and others. Practice showing up for yourself fully by committing to nurturing your own wellbeing as much as possible.

Journaling is a particularly powerful way to begin a process of deepening your self-understanding and connecting with yourself. While a daily practice is going to be the most effective, it’s not necessary to write every day. A few times a week or even once weekly can help you get a deeper sense of yourself and your own needs and desires.

(Listen to Dara discuss Self-Love vs. Self-Care: What’s the difference? on the She Calls Her Shots podcast!)

2. Am I adequately meeting my partner’s needs? … But am I really?

I know this one is hard to consider when you feel neglected, but check out this very common scenario that gets people stuck in an unmet needs rut. 

It is often the case that each partner feels they are giving much and getting less back. And each becomes resistant to the other’s needs and requests—either passively or directly—because they feel unappreciated and they punish by withholding love. This begins when each person is showing love in their own way, but not in a way that makes the other person feel loved and seen. People tend to love others the way they want to be loved instead of seeking to understand what their partner needs and wants in order to feel loved.

As a result, some or much of their effort is not being received the way they believe it should be by the other— with joy and gratitude! Blind to this, they begin to feel taken for granted and start withholding. This is called gridlock. Each partner is waiting for the other to begin meeting their needs before they begin fully giving again. The relationship becomes transactional rather than lovingly generous. 

To help answer this question, ask yourself the following questions first using a 0-10 scale (no, not all all (0) /yes 100% (10))

• Does my partner feel appreciated and valued by me?

• Does my partner feel like my top priority?

• Does my partner feel wanted and desired by me?

• Does my partner feel honored and respected by me?

• Does my partner feel fully seen and accepted by me?

If you could not answer ‘10’ with certainty to all 5 questions, then it is possible that your partner is also feeling that their needs are not being met in the relationship and therefore holding back from meeting yours. The biggest threat here is that egos get in the way. Each person feels that the other should be the one to make a change. Nobody wants to go first to break out of the gridlock, so they get stuck in a power struggle. Believing they deserve it more, each expects the other to do the thing they themselves are not willing to do for the relationship. 

...and that is why they say relationships are hard work. (so, so hard…)

3. Am I clear on what it is I actually need vs. what I want?

When I ask my clients what they need, their answers often reflect the ways in which they want their needs met, not the core needs themselves. For instance, they may say “I need him to spend more time with me” or, “I need her to praise me sometimes, rather than just criticize me.” They want quality time and praise. They need to know they are important and appreciated. Their desires are completely valid. But they aren’t totally clear on the fundamental needs underneath these desires.

When you focus on getting someone to change their behavior, they are likely to resist because their deeper need for autonomy (among others) is being violated. Nobody likes to be told what to do—especially by their partner. When you communicate your desires, it’s important that you can clearly communicate the need that you have and make a request that allows your partner to feel invited to respond to your needs rather than forced to oblige to your will.

(Imagine if you had a conflict-free way to express your needs that strengthens your relationship and gets them enthusiastically met! Transform tension into connection with my concise 4-step, 16-page No More Unmet Needs Workbook. Take charge today and embrace empowerment over hesitation!)

4. Have I clearly communicated my needs and confirmed they are understood?

Have you ever tried to get your partner to meet your needs by complaining or criticizing? 

“You don’t spend enough time with me! You’re always at work or on your bike! You only care about yourself!”

“All you do is complain! Don’t I do anything right?! You’re impossible to please!”

How did that work out for you? I’m guessing they didn’t respond with, “Thank you for pointing out how bad I suck! Please tell me more.”

When you criticize your partner, you will most likely be met with defensiveness. When you are clear on your needs, you can communicate them to your partner in a way that gets heard and understood:

“When we haven’t spent quality time together all week, I feel disconnected from you. I really need to feel important to you to feel connected. If we had a weekly date night it would really help. Would you be willing to commit to that?”

“I’ve been hearing a lot of criticism from you lately. I’m feeling deflated because I really need to feel appreciated for how hard I work and all that I do for us. I want to hear you, I do. If you let me know that you recognize the things I do right, that would really help. Would you be willing to communicate more gently and acknowledge the good things I do?” 

Can you see the difference? Which statement would you be more willing to receive and respond to with love?

5. Has my partner agreed to meet my needs?

This is a big one, because the truth is that we often assume our partner will just be attuned to our needs and automatically meet them. And often they do automatically behave in ways that are intended to make you feel loved and significant, but the way they do it may not actually fulfill your need. This is why we have to ask for what we need specifically. Love languages come into play here. We all need to feel loved, but what makes us feel loved can vary. Our love maps were formed in early life and so the gestures and behaviors that communicate love to one person may be quite different for another.

My ex grew up in a home where both of his parents were heavy on acts of service— doing things for each other to show love. But they rarely expressed how they felt verbally. They didn’t say I love you. Instead they did a lot to show they cared. As a result, he was not very vocal about his feelings. Since I am someone who needed to hear how he felt, I needed to ask him to be more vocal about his feelings.

6. Has my partner demonstrated an ability to meet my needs?

Since my ex was not practiced at expressing his feelings with words, it was hard for him to tell me how he felt about me. The problem was, I really wanted to hear how he felt. I love receiving loving texts when away from my partner, and talking about our feelings for each other. Even though he tried, it was very unnatural and uncomfortable for him to express his feelings verbally. Therefore, it really wasn’t fair for me to expect that of him (though I did at the time). Because he agreed to try, it was reasonable to expect him to put in the effort. But I struggled to accept that this way of expressing love that is out of his comfort zone and/or natural ability might not be sustainable. And in the end, it wasn’t. 

If you need someone to show love in a certain way, it’s best to choose a partner who already shows love in that way. Or you can try to appreciate their way of loving and see if that can be enough for you. Disappointment is most likely to result when you expect someone to behave in ways that require them to be different than they are. That’s not to say that they won’t be able and willing to do what you ask. But to mindfully manage the expectation is to realize that they may not be, and to be ok with that, rather than blaming or resenting them.

7. Am I relying on my partner to meet too many of my needs?

These days we expect a lot from our significant others— we want them to be our everything. But this will only get us into trouble. Each of us has spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional, and relational needs. We cannot depend on one person to meet all the needs we rely on others for. It’s important to get clear about what our needs are and how to get them met in a way that does not overburden our partner. 

Remember, they are responsible for meeting many of their own needs, as well as some of the needs of others in their lives. It’s critical that we can meet as many of our own needs as possible first. For instance, if your partner needs more time alone than you do, then you need to be able to adequately meet your own need for socialization or be able to otherwise entertain yourself when you are apart without feeling bitter or resentful toward your significant other.

Maintaining close connections outside of your primary relationship will help prevent you from expecting too much from one person.

8. Is my sense of self-worth attached to whether or not my needs get met by others?

If you don’t fully love and accept yourself, you can fall into a trap of trying to fill that inner void from the outside. If you depend on your partner, friends, family, work, hobbies or other pursuits to fulfill a need that they can never fulfill—your need to feel and know that you are inherently lovable, worthy, and adequate— you will never be satisfied. This is the first and most vital need that needs to be met, and the only relationship you can rely on to meet it is the one you have with yourself.

Do you love yourself?

(Listen to Dara talk about Self-Love on the She Calls Her Shots podcast!)

A signal that there is a lack of self-love is when you take other people’s choices, words, or behaviors personally. When you love yourself, your sense of self-worth or lovability does not get shaken by anything another person does, doesn’t do, or says. You do not need someone to meet your needs so that you know you are worthy of love or that you are enough. You need them to meet your needs so that you can feel loved by and connected to them— not to yourself. There is no substitute to your connection with yourself.

It’s not usually the case that unmet needs are the result of a bad match or a partner who doesn’t really love you. Most of the time, unmet needs are caused by a lack of self-love, followed by an overestimation of how loved we make our partner feel, and either or both combined with a lack of clarity and understanding about your own specific needs and how to communicate them. 

Occasionally, it does turn out that the other person is a self-centered shlep who isn’t gonna step up no matter what. But the only way to know for sure what is possible in any relationship is to love yourself the way you want to be loved, love others the way they want to be loved, understand your own needs, communicate clearly, make conscious agreements, and mindfully manage your expectations.

(Read Dara’s post How To Talk To Your Partner About Your Unmet Needs)

I eventually overcame this recurring struggle. The very first step was to admit that I didn’t fully love myself, and then to begin connecting with myself. I had to learn how to love myself—total self-acceptance and love is the foundation. There is no way around that. For me, it’s really nice to have a handle on this and experience the freedom and sense of fullness that I always wanted but struggled for so long to attain. I want that for you also. It’s a lot simpler than you think. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.

Unlock the Secrets to an Emotionally Fulfilling Relationship

Get on the path to lasting love with a transformative 90-minute strategy session. In just 90 minutes, gain the transformative clarity and tools you need to improve your relationship:

1. Clarity: Identify the hidden actions and patterns you unconsciously repeat that perpetuate dysfunction in your relationship. Understand how these behaviors are blocking your path to emotional connection and fulfillment.

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3. Action Plan: Receive a personalized, concrete action plan tailored to your unique situation. This roadmap will provide the confidence and direction needed to turn your relationship around, ensuring a more secure and loving connection.

Remember, while it takes two to save a relationship, it only takes one to improve it. By taking these steps, you'll significantly increase the chances of nurturing a deeply fulfilling and lasting connection.

To learn more, visit my programs page. 

Do you have thoughts, questions, or anything you’d like to add? I’d love to hear from you! Please leave a comment and share what’s on your mind. Or email me privately anytime.

Go deep. Own your life.

Xo,
Dara

Dara is a writer and President of Mud Coaching. She helps individuals and couples from all over world create the extraordinary relationships that they long for but don’t know how to build. Read more about Dara’s personal journey from dysfunctional and struggling in love to happily married and thriving here.